Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

Your Mama wishes all the children a happy, healthy, safe and prosperous New Year.

Now go out and get drunk like you're supposed to on New Year's Eve.

Just don't drink and drive babies because that's as stoopid as stoopid can be.

See y'all in the New Year.

Your Mama Hears...

...that the still pin thin and Bel Air bred celebutant Nicole Ritchie finally managed to get her baby daddy Joel Madden to move from his long time home in suburban seeming Glendale, CA.

According to several of our secret sources, the young and tattooed twosome (plus baby Harlow makes three) decamped to a Spanish Villa in the hills above Hollywood. It appears to Your Mama from listing information we dug up that the couple are forking over $6,500 per month to lease their new crib in the celebrity friendly Outpost Estates area. A bit more research shows the recently renovated house was built in 1930, includes 3 bedrooms, 3 terlits and measures in at 2,325 square feet. Listing information also indicates the property features a gated driveway, several covered terraces for sipping champagne in the shade, gorgeous drought tolerant landscaping and an elevated viewing terrace for taking in the glittering lights of Hollywood below.

Other famous residents of the Outpost Estates include (but are certainly not limited to) recently wed Scarlett Johansson, House's Hugh Laurie and married actors Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy.

Danja Mixes It Up on Mulholland Drive

BUYER: Floyd Nathaniel Hills, aka Danja
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,925,000
SIZE: 4,850 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...this totally private, walled and gated home, with a jaw dropping view, was created for lavish or intimate entertaining. The versatile floor plan provides potential for 2 master bedrooms. Featuring a state-of-the-art kitchen, walls of glass, resort style poolside area, a floating staircase, high Venetian plastered walls for an art collection, 6 car motor court and lush landscaping with handsome olive trees...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of weeks ago we received a covert communique from a tipster we'll call Patty Cake who informed us that a Grammy winning music producer, composer and songwriter named Danja picked up a new house on Mulholland Drive. Of course, Your Mama had never heard of a person with such a name so we took to the internets where we learned that along with his super-producer mentor Timbaland, this Danja person co-produced 10 of the 12 tracks of Justin Timberlake's Future Sex/Love Sounds album as well as having produced six tracks on Britney Spears middle of the crazies record Blackout and more recently produced a couple of tracks for on the mental mend Miss Spears' chart topping comeback album Circus. Mister Danja, whose real name is Floyd Nathaniel Hill, has also worked with big name musical artistes like Madonna, Mariah, Cassie and some chick named Ciara.

Property records showed that in November of 2008 young Mister Danja–a monikor we presume rhymes with ganga–forked over $2,925,000 of his new found paper for a freshly rehabbed split level contemporary style house at the top of Laurel Canyon on twisty, turny and often very busy Mulholland Drive.

Listing information Your Mama accessed show the house was once listed as high as $4,380,000 before being reduced to $3,495,000. Which means, of course, that Mister Danja and his financial peeps negotiated an impressively prodigious price reduction on the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathoom house that measures in at (approx.) 4,850 square feet.

Listing information also reveals the walled and gated property offers off-street parking for six shiny whips in the motor court and another two spinners in the garages. The front doors, flanked by a couple of lovely olive trees, open to a rather large and somewhat disturbingly amorphous "great room" with travertine floors, one of the three fireplaces, and floor to ceiling windows that draw the eye balls towards the explosive view over the San Fernando Valley.

The kitchen features a gigantic work island large enough to perform an autopsy at the very same time Chef prepares a four course dinner. The cherry-looking cabinetry is topped by what appears to be two different types of counter tops and there is, natch, a full suite of top grade stainless steel appliances inclues a double Viking brand oven. A breakfast area is contained in a curving and (nearly) frameless wall of glass overlooking the swimming pool.

Listing information indicates that 1 of the 5 bedrooms can be used as a staff suite and 2 of the other bedrooms can be utilized as master bedrooms so it would seem that Mister Danja has his choice of where he'd like to lay his pretty little head down at night. One of the master suites is comprised of a large bedroom (with a way too tiny tee-vee mounted to the wall opposite the bed which will make porno viewing rather difficult) and a marble clad bathroom with a separate tub and party sized shower.

We think (but can no confirm) that the room with all the heinous brown leather furniture is the other potential master suite. If the children look hard with their peepers they'll note what appears to be an entire wall of mirrored closet doors. While that may be appealing to all the people who like to watch themselves fornicate, it's a rather unappealing feature from a design snob's perspective.

The back yard hangs over the hillside and includes a curving crescent shaped swimming pool with a small waterfall. We do not notice a spa, which is rather unfortunate because we can imagine it make it easy for Mister Danja to coax all the star fucking wanna be singer ladees out of their itty bitty bikinis after a few Rémy Martins in a spa overlooking the glittering lights of the valley. But alas...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

George Furla Selling in Los Angeles Too

SELLER: George Furla
LOCATION: Clinton Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,295,000
SIZE: 4,417 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Exquisite Mediterranean Villa built in 2006. Grand entry w/ wrought iron staircase, walnut floors, exposed beams & arched doorways. Gourmet eat-in kitchen w/ center island, granite counter tops, stainless Viking appliances. Beautiful dining room. Living room w/ FP opens to pool, fountain & sitting area w/ FP. Surround sound throughout. Master w/ FP. Lower level w/ fabulous game rm. & direct access to garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week the venerable Wall Street Journal reported in their Private Properties column that film producer George Furla listed his 6,220 square foot unfinished penthouse in Chicago with an asking price of $3,495,000. Well, thanks to a covert communique from a fine friend we'll call Windycity Willie, Your Mama has learned that Mister Furla is also trying (rather unsuccessfully) to unload his house in Los Angeles which has been on the market for nearly a year and is currently listed at $2,295,000.

We'd never heard of Mister Furla and after a look-see at his rehzoomay we quickly understood why. The man is responsible for producing a long laundry list of films neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter have ever heard of nor would dream of paying good money to see in an actual thee-ay-ter establishment. They include (but are far from limited to) cinematic jewels such as Major Movie Star, Righteous Kill, Day of the Dead, the most recent Rambo disaster as well as some movie called Lonely Hearts that starring be-wigged Scientologist John Travolta.

Anyhoo, a peek into property records reveals that Mister Furla purchased a property on Los Angeles' Clinton Street (is this actually West Hollywood?) in August of 2006 for $2,229,000. Prop records show the Andalusian style residence measures 3,874 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms while listing information indicates it sprawls across 4,417 square feet and includes just 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Who knows why the discrepancy.

Listing information reveals that in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 4 terlits, the 3 story home was built in 2006, has three fireplaces (living room, master bedroom and outdoor sitting area), subterranean parking for two cars with direct access into the house and a surround sound system that pumps music (or muzak if you prefer) throughout the house.

Other amenities includes a living room that opens to the swimming pool (which is actually in the front yard as there isn't a rear yard), walnut, stone and tile floors, lots of wrought iron detailing, exposed beams, and a gore-may kitchen outfitted with dark cabinets, beige granite counter tops and a full suite of stainless steel Viking appliances including a wine refrigerator that looks almost exactly like the two we have (one for white, one for red) where the Dr. Cooter keeps the vino collection chilled to appropriate temperatures.

The basement level is where the game room is located. We know many people like these game rooms but Your Mama hates them. If we want to play pool we're gonna head on down to some dicey pool hall in a not very nice part of town where there's always a risk we're going to get a beat down by one of the beer soaked and overweight regulars.

The front of Mister Furla's property is fully hedged, which is a good thing as it fronts very busy Crescent Heights Boulevard and sits just a hop, skip and a jump from the pricey and celebrity friendly Fred Segal shopping emporium on Melrose. The plunge pool and party sized spa are complemented by an arched tile water fountain that spits water into the swimming pool and helps to cut down on the traffic noise.

Listing information we received from one of our cohorts shows the house was put on the market nearly a year ago (!!) at $3,195,000 and has since had the asking price karate chopped down a stunning $900,000 to it's current asking price of $2,295,000, a number that will surely leave Mister Furla in the financial hole should he manage to get anywhere near the asking price. The listing clearly states the seller is motivated and wants the house sold right away, so word to the wise for all you pee-pole with a couple million to spend on a nearly new Mediterranean on a teeny tiny lot so close to West Hollywood you can practically smell the poppers wafting on the breeze.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Another Housewife Bites the Real Estate Dust

SELLER: Bob and Sheree Whitfield
LOCATION: 5525 Long Island Drive, Atlanta, GA
PRICE: $2,850,000 (off market)
SIZE: 8,903 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Benecki built resale home on large private gated lot. Quality throughout, nanny suite with separate entrance located over garages.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, we know what you are thinking and we do not want to hear it. Your Mama is well aware we are scraping the bottom of the celebrity real estate barrel here. But, see, we just can't help ourselves. Unfortunately for y'all, we woke up with a burning need to discuss the real estate doings of a smarmy Georgia peach named Sheree Whitfield who recently listed her suburban Atlanta mansion with an asking price of $2,850,000.

If the children will put on their reality tee-vee thinking caps they will recall that Miz Sheree Whitfield–whose claim to fame is that she is the ex-wife of pro-footballer Bob Whitfield–recently appeared on the hair raising boob-toob pièce de résistance The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

During each episode of this masterpiece of reality television, we were treated to Miz Sheree prancing her over-sized ego all around Atlanta in her her giant Range Rover acting as if she was the classiest and most dignified high society bee-hawtcha that ever walked the damn Phipps Plaza mall. Pleeze. And do not even get Your Mama started about Miz Sheree and her nascent "She by Sheree" clothing line because we would hate to burst Miz Sheree's self-indulgent bubble by saying that being a hardcore hobby shopper does not a fashion designer make.

Well children, the laws of gravity say that goes up must come down and according to the gossip grapevine, poor Miz Sheree is going down. Not only is she in effect being booted from her Atlanta mansion, some Atlanta-based scuttlebutters are snickering that she's bouncing checks all over Atlanta. Oh dear. Now puppies, we don't know if that shit is true or if it's just a bunch of wagging tongues, but it is what folks are whispering about Miz I'm So Much Better Than You.

Property records for the Whitfield's 1.81 acre estate on Long Island Drive NW show it was purchased in August of 2000 for $2,395,000 and the snarky children will note with some righteous eyebrow raising that the property was owned solely by Mister Whitfield and that Miz Sheree's name never appeared on the paperwork for the property. That's right puppies. Neh. Vah. Which means, of course, Sassy Sheree never actually owned the house and was merely squatting there until her dee-vorce was settled. Well, ain't that interesting?

Anyhoo, listing information for the house Sheree calls home shows it measures in at a good sized 8,903 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms, a count which we assume includes the nanny quarters above the garage.

In addition to the ballroom sized living room with its elaborately stenciled ceilings, dark stained wood floors and King Arthur-esque furnishings, the sprawling English cottage style mansion includes a modest sized dining room with a faux paint treatment, all manner of crystal lighting fixtures and, gack!, red velvet curtains that look to Your Mama like something she purchased at a yard sale of an upscale bordello in Reno, Nevada.

Besides the copious knickknacks cluttering up the counter tops, the bronze colored ceiling, all that stoopid crap shoved up in the ceiling corners and the bird's nest up in the chandelier, the fully equipped kitchen really isn't so bad. The stainless steel appliances includes twin dishwashers, a mac-daddy Viking range and a double wide SubZero refridgerator/freezer, all good things.

The commodious but low ceilinged family room features more faux paint treatments, a giant beige sectional sofa, an intricately carved and ass uglee coffee table and and even uglier pool table with crazy carved up legs. Somewhere in the house is a home gym with all manner of exercise contraptions of the sort Your Mama scrupulously avoids, a fully mirrored wall where Miz Sheree can admire her toned and tight middle-aged boo-tox, and another faux paint treatment on the walls. Listen Miz Sheree, let Your Mama give you a word of deco-raytin' advice. Just because you like the faux paint treatment your nice gay decorator did in the dining room does not mean you should have him do up the entire house that way. Your Mama's boozy pal Fiona Trambeau calls that sort of thing, "Flooding the car." Think about it.

The gated grounds include a crushed stone driveway which terminates in a small motor court where the front door stands opposite the four-car garage. Out back is a large and attractive rectangular shaped swimming pool surrounded by a stone terrace that includes an outdoor fireplace and peek-aboo views of a small pond.

Listing information now shows the Whitfield house is currently "off market." We don't know if that means Sheree is stayin' put or if, more likely, it means she's a little peeved about the publicity she's getting for having to so publicly downsize her lifestyle. Them's the breaks when you put yerself on tee-vee Miz Sheree.

Naturally, Your Mama does not have a clue where Miz Sheree will reside when and if this house gets sold but we're pretty sure that her be-weaved blond gurl friend Kim Zolciak would let her and the kids shack up in her 3,396 square foot condo on Bent Tree View in Duluth, GA that records show she purchased in January of 2006 for $486,000.

Listen puppies, we know we sound like a catty bitch talking nasty about Miz Sheree. And we are. However, there is nuthin' more loathsome to Your Mama than a person who will (fake) smile at your face and then turn around and wag his or her vicious tongue to anyone with ears. And that's exactly what Miz Sheree did week after week on the first season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And we can hardly wait until season two begins to see more bee-hawtcha back-biting and learn more about Miz Sheree's lowered circumstances.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Victoria Gotti's Hot Mess of a Mansion Hits the Market

SELLER: Victoria Gotti
LOCATION: Birch Hill Court, Old Westbury, NY
PRICE: $3,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite custom brick estate with Old World charm and elaborate detail on 4 acres of magnificent property was built in 1993 and features a pool with cascading waterfalls, guest/cabana house, gazebo with pond, stable/paddock, 4 car garage, fountains, children's playground, tennis court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the Long Island children will simmer down and listen very closely they can probably hear all the lock-jawed blue bloods in old money Old Westbury, NY sitting around their exclusive (and "restricted") country clubs quietly clinking their brandy snifters at in celebration that mafia princess turned gossip writer turned novelist Victoria Gotti has listed her 4 acre estate with an asking price of $3,500,000.

According to the gurls at Newsday, this is far from the first time Miz Gotti, a questionably klassy ladee who once pretended to have breast cancer, has attempted to unload her mafia-style mansion on the North Shore of Long Island. First listed in 2003, then 2005 and again in 2006, the over-processed property once carried an asking price of $4,800,000.

Property records show that weavetastic Miz Gotti and her former huzband Carmine Agnello (who was, surprise!, jailed in the year 2000 for racketeering) purchased the Birch Hill Court property in 1989 for $175,000 and proceeded to build one of the ass-ugliest mansions Your Mama has ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on.

Miz Gotti reportedly shares her Old Westbury estate with her three college age cugines (Carmine Jr, John and Frank) who revealed themselves to be nearly inarticulate, obscenely entitled and wildly ill-mannered morons on the family's lurid and stomach churning reality tee-vee program Growing Up Gotti which has, thankfully, been cancelled. Even Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, who are unashamed and unrepentant reality program addicts could not sit through an entire episode of that television train wreck.

Anyhoo, listing information for Miz Gotti's estate indicates the two story house (plus finished basement) of indeterminate and completely whacked architectural pedigree includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms while property records show the house measures 5,739 square feet with 7 full and 2 half bathrooms. Your Mama can not account for the terlit count difference, but it may be the larger pooper count includes bathing and evacuating facilities in the detached guest house/cabana which looks like some half-assed, please poke our eyes out with a stick attempt at re-creating the damn Parthenon.

Listing information reveals the fully landscaped property, which rather unfortunately backs up to the service road of the very bizzy and very loud Long Island Expressway, includes double drive gates, a large motor court, any number of fountains, a cascading waterfall, dark-bottomed swimming pool, vast (featureless and furnitureless) paver-tiled patios and terraces, long stretches of lawn, a gazebo occupying on a small island in the middle of a private pond (gack!), stables and paddocks for the horsey types, a children's playground, a tennis court, a damn go-kart track and a 4 car garage for all the Gotti family's many mafia-mobiles.

While the puzzling and perplexing exterior has Your Mama's hair standing on end, it's really the interior spaces that make us go all glassy eyed, slack jawed an in desperate need of a large nerve pill and a gigantic gin and tonic. Guests, associates, buttons and compares are greeted in an entrance hall with a too-low looking ceiling and twin curving staircases where Miz Gotti can make dramatic entrances with her white pant suits, deep decolletage and riotous Rapunzel like tresses. The large living room features wood floors (that look like they might be cherry) a grand piano (that we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly has never been touched by the Gotti boys), all manner of over-stuffed chintz sofas, funeral home style drapery, and perhaps most unsettling of all, an entire wall completely covered with floor to ceiling mirrors. Who does that? Seriously. Who? The dining room ceiling, like that of the living room, has been stenciled with flowers, an affectation that makes Your Mama gag a little, inlaid wood floors and more funeral home style drapery.

The kitchen, with its tile floor and mirrored built-in buffet/display cabinet, is clearly in need of a complete overhaul and Your Mama does not even know what to make of those curly-cue iron stools that have been pulled up to the pill shaped work island, but we sincerely recommend they be taken out with yesterday's garbage because they are making our back ache just lookin' attem.

While Miz Gotti's office with its fireplace, inlaid floors and black walls almost (we stress the word almost) passes muster for not being completely vomit worthy, we are completely over-whelmed by the decorative tragedy of Miz Gotti's boudoir and private bathroom. For some reason, some misguided decorator has draped and swagged yard after yard after yard of gauzy textiles over Miz Gotti's four poster bed which sits, as you might well imagine, on a pedestal. The eagle eyed children will note how the swoopy chaise lounge at the foot of the bed appears to hang over the edge of the pedestal. Niiiihce. Miz Gotti's rose and gold colored bathroom is quite possibly one of the most upsetting examples of a bathroom on which we have ever laid our beady little eyes. How much do the children want to bet that all those floral arrangements are silk or plastic dust catchers? We'd also like to direct the children's limited attentions the baseboard heating elements which are certainly not what we expect to see in a multi-million dollar mansion, even on Long Island where baseboard heating is as common as sand at the beach.

There's a saying in real estate which is that, "Every lid has a pot." However, Your Mama imagines that only another mobbed up family with a few million clams stashed in a hidden compartment in their late model Escalade will find this is the right pot for their over the top design luvvin' lid.

None the less, we wish Miz Gotti and her three cretin kids all the luck in the world selling her real estate white elephant and respectfully request she not send any of her deceased father's former enforcers out looking for Your Mama's and/or the Dr. Cooter's knee caps. Capeesh?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Holidays!

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter wish all the Children a Happy Christmas, Merry Kwanzaa, Joyous Chanukah or whatever damn holiday it is you celebrate this time of year.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Today Is A Travel Day... unfortunately y'all are going to have to go without your daily fix of Your Mama's celebrity real estate sass. We'll be back attcha as soon as we can.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Is Michael Jackson on the Move?

According to the good folks at gossip juggernaut TMZ, fallen pop music icon Michael Jackson recently leased a humongous house in the posh Holmby Hills section of Los Angeles for a staggering $100,000 per month.

According to property records, the lavish and exuberantly decorated pile on N. Carolwood Drive is owned by Roxanne Guez who is (or was, we don't know) married to Hubert Guez, a somewhat controversial bizness man who made his millions manufacturing apparel in Mexico for all sorts of recognizable mass market brands. Mister Guez now serves as the CEO of a coterie of clothing brands including Ed Hardy and Christian Audiger.

Listing information we ferreted out shows the 3- story Richard Landry designed "French Chateau" style estate was built in 2002, measures in at a whopping 17,171 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms and an unlucky 13 terlits. Until sometime last week, the fit for a Saudi royal property was listed for sale with a blistering asking price of $38,000,000.

Other amenities of the gated and heavily fortified estate include subterranean garaging, 12 fireplaces, an impress-the-guests style entrance hall with a curving staircase, formal living and dining rooms, a wood paneled den with adjoining library, a theater room, a gore-may kitchen with eating area, family room and, of course, a wine cellar where The White Lady can store his rare collection of Julio and Gallo "Jesus Juice."

The 1.26 acre property includes a heated swimming pool (which we can't imagine Mister Jackson can use due to his various skin conditions) and an adjacent guest house for whatever handlers, minders and sycophants he still has on his payroll.

Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about nuthin' but what we do know is that according to information we received, the house in question was indeed leased for $100,000 per month. But as of early this a.m. we're just not sure if it was (or was not) leased to Mister Jackson.

Although Mister Jackson has leased houses in Los Angeles in the past, including a big tacky thing up on Shadow Hill Way, Your Mama can't imagine why Mister Jackson would leave his relatively incognito digs in Las Vegas and come to Los Angeles, land of marauding paparazzi, can you?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Calvin Klein Wants to do His Part to Stimulate the Economy

The financial markets are in turmoil, a man named Bernard Madoff (allegedly) made $50,000,000,000 of other people money disappear in a spectacular Ponzi scheme, the credit markets are locked up tight, the banks and car companies are rattling their tin cups all up and down Pennsylvania Avenue and sixty-something year old bisexual fashion icon Calvin Klein applied to the town of Southampton to demolish the 50,000 square foot oceanfront mansion he bought five years ago for nearly $30,000,000 and replace it with a more modern, more minimalist, more fabulous, and, for him, more modest 17,500 square foot glass and concrete beach hut.

Ain't it nice to be filthy, stinking, up to your ears in money rich children?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Some pre-Christmas Nashville Niceness

SELLERS: Benjamin Sohr and Genifer Goodman Sohr
LOCATION: Stanford Drive, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $899,000
SIZE: 4,100 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Modern Rustic on over 2 wooded acres, moments from Green Hills, this log home has been re-imagined with a modern twist. Clean lines & traditional craftsmanship combine to create a property that is stunning and unique...soon to be featured in Domino magazine..."Boutique" master suite features his and her baths, separate walk-in closets and large shower/steam room. All bathrooms have been completely redesigned with premium fixtures. Four plus bedrooms. Multiple outdoor spaces create an ideal setting to entertain.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Believe it or not, Nashville, TN ain't all about country music stars wearing ropers and tight Wranglers stuffed with pocketfuls of money. Thanks to a fine gentleman we call Neville Nashvegas, Your Mama has learned that the much lauded aesthetes Benjamin Sohr and Genifer Goodman Sohr have recently listed their Nashville nest with an asking price of $899,000.

We understand that most people will not have any idea who these two people are. However the design minded married couple are certainly well known to all the retail queens, designs queens and dedicated readers of glossy and gleaming shelter magazines like Elle Decor, Better Homes & Gardens, Domino and etc. That's because wherever these two live, their luscious and lovely living quarters wind up photographed and published in any number of magazines and discussed on any number of blogs.

As we understand, Miz Goodman currently holds (or used to) a high powered position at panty purveyor Victoria's Secret–a company for which Your Mama once toiled in the trenches–and Mister Sohr, a trained architect, did (or maybe still does) work for the Gap or Banana Republic or one of those other San Francisco based mass retailers. Several years ago the couple left the glitz and glamour of big city life to move to Nashville, TN where they made babies and opened a shop and day-spa called Favorite. It's unclear to Your Mama if that bizness is still in operation? Can any in the know Nashvillians give us an assist on that?

In October of 2007, the couple purchased a house in the fancy Forest Hills area of suburban Nashville where, until recently, nearby neighbors included Grammy winning singing sensations LeAnn Rimes and Keith Urban along with his Academy Award winning and frozen faced wife Nicole Kidman (who denies having any work done on her face). Anyhoo, property records show the Sohr paid $600,000 for their 2+ acre property and Stanford Drive. Now, just over a year later, the updated, upgraded and modernized log cabin style abode is back on the market. We'll leave the children to their own speculations and conclusions as to why.

Listing information indicates the two-story residence measures in at approximately 4,100 square feet although prop records show 2,934 square feet. Neville Nashvegas whispered that the couple expanded the sixe of the house during renovations. There are, according to listing information, 4-5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms including a "boutique" style master suite with dual bathrooms, dual closet/dressing rooms and an always appealing to Your Mama steam shower.

There appear to be several living rooms, several stone faced fireplaces, massive amounts of meticulously maintained woodwork and a sleek new kitchen (probably designed by Mister Sohr) with a spectacular 14-foot long work island with a Corian counter top that does double duty as a breakfast table. Who doesn't love double duty design?

While no house is perfect and no one house can please everyone, this well edited (and almost funky) abode comes mighty close with its successful merger of mid-century, modern and rustic day-core. As far as Your Mama is concerned, and considering that the house was scrubbed and polished for the photographs, the Sohrs–being the talented creative types that they are–have managed to straddle the precarious and dangerous line between looking like a magazine layout and having enough personal items and quirky knick knacks to make it look like a house in which people can and actually do live.

Plus, did y'all see the laundry room? We'd give our left leg for a laundry room like that.

Property records show this is not the first or only house the couple have owned in Nashville. Back in August of 2003 the couple bought a different house which they still appear to own and, interestingly, the couple also own a banal tract house in the unlikely and not particularly design-savvy San Joaquin Valley metropolis of Fresno, CA, which just happens to be one of the most murderous cities in the entire country.

UPDATE: Oprah Winfrey

Although the NY Post reported this morning that The Big O was sniffing around for some real estate in Washington D.C. so that she could be closer to her presidential buddy Barak Obama, her spokes people say it ain't so.

We still see an ambassadorship in her future. Maybe not this term, but next term. You watch.

Paris Hilton's House Robbed

Listen puppies, we are somewhat loathe to discuss hotel heiress Paris Hilton, because she and her breed of celebrity are so completely over (o-vah!) that we can't stand it. However, the L.A. Times reported this morning that Miss Hilton's mansion in the guard gated Mulholland Estates community was robbed last night and that the hoodie wearing heister made off with two million dollars worth of jewelry and other belongings.

Two millions dollars worth of jewelry? We absolutely do not condone robbery nor do we think Miss Hilton deserves to have all her bling burgled from her Bev Hills home, which is really in Sherman Oaks but has a 90210 zip code. But seriously children, what moron keeps two million dollars worth of jewelry at home? That shit belongs in a safe deposit box, or at very least stashed away in a hidden, camouflaged and well secured safe behind a credenza in the dining room.

The robbery is reported to have occurred at 5am this morning and Miss Hilton was not home at the time of the break in. Wonder where she was at 5 o'clock in the a.m. on a wintery Friday morning?

Given that Miss Hilton's home–which has been outfitted with its own private nightclub in the basement–is equipped with video security as are the communities gates, it's quite likely the brazen burglar will be identified and have the axe of the law brought down on him right quick. Or not.

The break in is not believed to be related to the long string of robberies that have plagued the swank West Side communities of Bel Air, Beverly Hills and the Holmby Hills the last number of years.

Other residents of the Mulholland Estates are rumored and reported to include former boy-bander Robbie Williams, former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, former letter turner Vanna White and former john Charlie Sheen.

Is Oprah House Hunting In D.C.?

Apparently, when you make a spine tingling, eye popping, knee rattling $250,000,000 a year you do not stay in a pricey and posh ho-tel when visiting your friend Barak Obama in the White House.

Oh no. You just buy a damn house in Washington D.C. Or at least that's what the rumor mills are saying about La Winfrey. Would anyone really be surprised if she scooped up a gorgeous house in Georgetown or Sheridan-Kalorama?

Well, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about nuthin' but we do know that if rich ladee's gonna do it, she better get on the damn stick because the inauguration is next month.

Do we smell an ambassadorship The Big O's future?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Who Wants to Rent Tony Danza's Ski House?

OWNER: Tony Danza
LOCATION: Silver Lake Drive, Park City, UT
PRICE: For rent, short term, at unknown price
SIZE: 5,000 square feet (as per listing), 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Large, multi-level ski in/out executive home on the slopes of Upper Deer Valley Resort. Beautifully appointed and furnished with stunning views of the surrounding mountains and the Park City valley below. Spectacular "Great Room" with floor to ceiling picture windows and stone fireplace, and adjoining Den with state of the art entertainment system. Amenities, among others, include an elevator serving all the levels and a large wrap around patio/deck with private hot tub overlooking the mountain scenery and the ski run.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We don't normally have the opportunity to discuss properties in the Morman stronghold state of Utah, so when we received a covert communique from the always informative Aerial Dave that former boxer turned hot bodied ack-tor turned annoying talk show host Tony Danza had put his Park City, UT ski chalet up a a short term seasonal rental, well, Your Mama couldn't resist.

However, after having a look-see at the 4+ floor ski in/ski out house located on Silver Lake Drive in the Upper Deer Valley Resort, we rather wished we hadn't.

The property records we accessed do not reveal the purchase date or price paid by the now dee-vorced Mister and Missus Danza. However, records do show the stone and cedar residence was built in 1989 and, from the look of the dee-pressingly out-dated day-core, we'd guess it was around that time. Puzzlingly, property records show the house measures 2,532 square feet (with an additional 1,448 square feet in the basement), while listing information indicates it measures approximately 5,000 square feet. We don't have any idea which is accurate, but it certainly looks to be closer to 5,000 square feet than 2,532 square feet, don't it?

Listing information for the seasonal short term rental does not indicate what kind of dollars Mister Danza is asking for the privilege of utilizing his vacation home. However, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it ain't cheap.

In addition to the four bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, listing information states the interior spaces include a great room with soaring ceilings and a gas-assist fireplace, a large "gourmet equipped" kitchen (puh-leeze), and an adjoining den with a "state of the art entertainment system" that, apparently, includes a large screen projection tee-vee. Your Mama only spots a puny boob-toob sitting on the built in wall cabinet, but perhaps the big screen is located out of frame. Thankfully, an elevator serves all floors because after a long day with a pair of long sticks strapped to our feet, the last thing Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter want to do aprés ski is climb stairs. Listing information also states the Danza digs are "beautifully appointed and furnished," two things which are clearly in the eyes of the beholder.

The exterior spaces include a heated driveway, which is appealing since our bossy house gurl Svetlana emphatically puts her size 11 Ugg boot down hat shoveling snow. A large wrap around deck takes advantage of the long views over the Deer Valley, the slopes and towards the snow capped mountains beyond. An in-ground spa has been fitted into a small patio where one can soak the mogul mashed muscles after a long day of shooshing and snow plowing on the slopes.

Property records reveal that Mister Danza recently sold his Sherman Oaks, CA house for $5,000,000. It had been listed at $6,150,000. The children will recall that Mister Danza had to re-build that house after it was destroyed by the 1994 Northridge earthquake. Records and reports also show that Mister Danza continues to own a small apartment on the 27th floor of the Park Millenium in New York City, which is the same Upper West Side building where Emmy winning and Oscar nominated Alan Alda, big haired radio shock jock Howard Stern, and television's most annoying talk show host Regis Philbin also own apartments.

A peep into the property records reveals that many famous folks and high profile people own houses in the Park City/Deer Valley area including former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney who shacks up in a 9,514 square foot house on Rising Star Lane, trashy talk show host Montel Williams who owns a modest house on Flint Way, network news anchor Charlie Gibson who owns an 8,245 square foot house on Bald Eagle Drive, smooth chested actor Scott Wolf (Party of Five, Everwood) own a place on Silver Cloud Drive, and former toke titan Cheech Marin owns a house on Thaynes Canyon Drive.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Michelle Branch is Flipping Out in Nashville

SELLER: Michelle Branch
LOCATION: Forsythe Place, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $1,285,000
SIZE: 3,706 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Superior construction. Modern floor plan. Lots of natural light. Cathedral ceilings and large rooms. Wonderful kitchen with all Viking appliances. 4 extra large bedrooms. Master on main level. Cultured stone exterior. Slate roof and copper gutters. Private patio and backyard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was only in early February of 2008 that Your Mama discussed a relatively modest house in the swank and leafy Belle Meade area of Nashville, TN that grammy winning singer/songwriter Michelle Branch bought for what records show was $1,350,000.

Thanks to our guy in Nashville–a man who happily calls himself The Nashville House Whore–we've recently learned that twenty something year old Miz Branch has flipped her Forsythe Place property back on to the market with an asking price of $1,285,000. That's right children, it does not take a lengthy consultation with our bejeweled abacus to understand that Miz Branch is attempting to sell her 3,706 square foot Nashville nest for $65,000 LESS than she paid for it less than one year ago. Hmm. Inneresting. She must really want to be selling this place.

Anyhoo, listing information shows the cultured stone faced residence includes 4.5 terlits and four large bedrooms, including a main floor master suite with vaulted wood ceiling, a dressing area with custom cabinetry and a cattle trough style free standing bathtub. As nice as that tub looks, Your Mama don't care to sit in a pool of our own filth. However, we thinks we see a party sized (steam?) shower, a feature all the straight swingers and horny homosexuals can appreciate and make good use of.

Other main floor rooms include a large entrance and stair hall, a living room with fireplace, vaulted ceilings and a giant taxidermy buffalo head stuck up on the wall. Maybe it's just Your Mama, be we don't think it's good karma to have dead animals nailed up on the wall around the house. The formal dining room has been all done up and did over in chocolate brown and white with a contemporary chandelier playfully working against cane backed Louis the Something style chairs. We are definitely not feeling those giant linen covered wing back chairs shoved into the corners. We don't know why, but they kind of make Your Mama feel sad.

The fully kitted out eat in kitchen includes a giant pantry and successfully works the line between modern and country with a full complement of stainless steel Viking appliances and a celery colored work island that we're sure is brand-spankin' new but still looks like it could have (or was meant to look like it) walked out of a 100 year old farmhouse.

At the top of the stairs is a room that Miz Branch and Mister Landau have set up as a cozy room for watching the tee-vee with cozy looking twin linen covered sofas. We covet that trio of blown glass bottles sitting on the coffee table. Listing information indicates that two of the three secondary bedrooms have private terlits, a set up Miz Branch's over night guests surely appreciated.

Several sets of french doors open the house to the back yard where stone terraces have been furnished with sitting and dining areas. Since Nashville can get a bit toasty in the summer, we'd prefer a bit more shade over the terraces, but it's nothing that a few well placed market umbrellas can't fix.

Listen children, this house is nothing like the sort of house or the kind of day-core Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter want to live in and with and it's certainly not without a couple of rough (but easily remedied) rough spots. However, we'd be a fool if we coulnd not recognize that this place looks fantastic, like a house actual people could live in. We don't know what nice gay decorator did up Miz Branch's dee-lish looking digs, but whomever it was did a very nice job and clearly earned every penny and dollar it cost Miz Branch.

Property records and previous reports on Miz Branch's real estate doings reveal that she and her much older huzband Teddy Landau sold their Calabasas, CA crib in September of 2007 for $2,940,000. In mid-2006, according to reports, the May-December couple forked over $290,000 to purchase a condo in the Werthan Lofts in the Germantown area of Nashville. As far as we can tell, she still owns that place.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Your Mama Hears...

...From Malee-boo Mary that aging Aussie songtress Olivia Newton John is thisclose to finally selling her house up in Malee-boo's guard gated Serra Retreat where other famous folks like Kelsey Grammar and Mel Gibson own high priced properties. All the children with memories not obliterated by booze will recall that Miz Newton John has been trying to unload her Retreat Court mansion for an damn ice age.

Miz Newtown John's 6,482 square foot residence, which happens to be across the street from Titanic director James Cameron's compound and right next door to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's former marital house of horrors, first came on the market just over a year ago with an asking price of $14,000,000. The asking price was chopped to $12,500,000 and then $11,495,000 before it recently disappeared from the MLS. We heard at that point that Miz Newton John was hoping to at least lease the white elephant out so she could high-tail it down to Florida to be with her new huzband, a man Malee-boo Mary hissingly called "a snake oil salesman."

None the less, Malee-boo Mary SWEARS on her well manicured and air-brushed acrylic fingernails that Miz Newton John is selling her house at a considerable discount to another couple who already live in Malee-boo.

We can't verify a property transfer at this point, but Your Mama did get on the horn with another of our well connected sources out by the beach–this one we'll call Malee-boo Mary Too–who also confirmed that the rumored off-market sale is working its way through Malee-boo's real estate gossip grapevine.

We shall see.

Super Duper Super Producers' Pied a Terre

SELLERS: Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald
LOCATION: Duane Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,595,000
SIZE: 2,311 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The loft presents a beautiful open kitchen w/ a dark grey polished concrete floor set into maple, ebonized oak cabinetry w/ leather & blackened steel handles, custom concrete counters + a magnificent center island w/ Caesar Stone top + abundant built in storage...Bedrooms + baths are equally dazzling. The master suite encompasses a private study, customized dressing area, a Jacuzzi tub, a full glass shower w/ bench + a cram wood vanity with marble counter...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We feel like getting out of Los Angeles today so let's mentally wing across the great U-nited States of America and discuss the New York City loft apartment that Oscar nominated super producer and screenwriter Walter Parkes and his equally successful producer wife Laurie MacDonald recently put on the market with an asking price of $4,595,000.

For all the children not in "The Industry" let Your Mama provide a Reader's Digest on these two Hollywood hot shots. Back in the mid-1990s, the comely couple was instrumental in getting DreamWorks SKG up and running and Mister Parkes acted as president of the studio from 1994 until 2005. During that time the couple over saw the making of super successful cinematic Academy Award winners such as American Beauty, Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind. Since leaving DreamWorks, the couple have together produced The Kite Runner and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street among other projects.

Property records show that in July of 2006 the L.A.-based power pair paid $4,411,000 for their TriBeCa pied a terre. A few quick flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus indicates that after all taxes, real estate fees, renovation and decoratin' costs, the couple is sure to loose a pretty penny on this real estate transaction even if they manage to get their full asking price.

The Duane Street loft sits just a few short blocks up from the giant hole in the ground that was once the World Trade Center and listing information shows the 9th floor unit measures 2,311 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms. The main living space is comprised of a 900+ square foot living/dining/kitchen combination room.

While we do note the large foyer and the long book shelf lined gallery that sweeps guests down into the living room and while we do appreciate that the powder pooper opens into the entrance gallery as opposed to directly into the living room or kitchen, we're not thrilled with the placement of the laundry closet. We understand from a space planning point of view why it is located where it is, but this is an unworkable situation for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter. Our bossy house gurl Svetlana has a habit of spreading out the dirty clothes in little piles on the floor before washing and we really don't like the idea of having to step over all that nonsense every Tuesday and Friday.

The polished concrete floored kitchen features stunning ebonized oak cabinets and a gigantic work island with concrete counter top. While black cabinets can be a little difficult to pull off, here they successfully serve to provide a necessary visual anchor in the large and somewhat oddly proportioned room. There is, of course, a full complement of stainless steel appliances that we are certain all together cost more than a Mercedes.

The master bedroom occupies its own corner of the apartment and includes a small study/dressing room, south facing windows for maximum light, a windowless pooper with a Carrara marble counter top and a glass enclosed shower. The two secondary bedrooms are well located as far away from the master bedroom as they can be (parents do not like to be heard doing the dirty by their children) and share another small and windowless bathroom that listing information states has been done up with very expensive Waterworks fixtures and Ann Sachs tiles.

While Your Mama isn't really the traditional meets modern day-core type and we imagine that peachy striped wall paper (or a striped paint treatment or whatever it is) in the master bedroom would cause us to have a seizure, it's really tough to find much to beef about here. The rugs appear to be properly sized, the finishes are clearly high quality (note those a-may-zing leather and steel pulls on the kitchen cabinets) and the eclectic and very thoughtful selection of inviting upholstered furniture give the place a comfortable, put your feet up on the velvet sofa and sip champagne sort of vibe.

On the left coast, a peep into the property records reveals the couple currently own a 6,031 square foot house on a palm tree lined street in a swank section of Santa Monica which they purchased back in March of 1992 for $1,625,000. It appears they own a couple of condos in Santa Monica as well.

Monday, December 15, 2008

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Oh dear.

Poor Michael Jackson. Not only does the man feel the need to go out in public looking like a damn fool, he must be in need of money again because thanks to our Irish comrade Weezy, we've learned that The White Lady has decided to auction off a whole mess of memorabilia including, yes children, the gates of his once beloved and now crumbling Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA

Pleeze. What moron wants those stoopid things? As our friend H.W. would say, "Honestly!"

As far as we know, Mister Jackson, his three children and whatever retinue he can still afford are living up in Las Vegas.

Jeff Lewis Is Still Flipping Out

SELLER: Jeff Lewis
LOCATION: N. Edgemont Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: sold for $1,300,000 (listed at $1,395,000)
SIZE: 2,553 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully renovated & gated 1930s Trad'l w/ 4 bds & 3 full bths laid out in ideal floor plan. Chef's kit w/ Viking s/s range, ample counter space & bkfst area. Lrg formal DR. LR w/ fp & direct access to the new pl, brick patios & yrd. Landscaped for privacy. Gorgeous master ste w/ walk-in closet & Carrara marble bth. Direct access from the 2-car garage. New HVAC, new roof, copper plumb, updated electric.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The house flipping bizness may be swirling down the proverbial terlit along with the stock market and he may be cat fighting with the celebrity neighbor of a house he's having a tough time flipping in Los Feliz, but lascivious lipped drama queen Jeff Lewis, star of the reality tee-vee train wreck Flipping Out, is still buying, renovating and flipping houses in Los Angeles. Or at least he's trying to.

Property records show the hissy fit prone house flipper purchased his latest residential rehab project in June of 2008 for an even million clams. Listing information and photos shows the 2,553 square foot "1930s Trad" (which was actually built in 1951 according to prop records) was given the classic Jeff Lewis make over before it was put hoisted back on the market a little over a month ago where it currently carries an asking price of $1,395,000 (reduced from its original asking price of $1,525,000).

The front door, elevated high above the street, requires that owners have strong ass muscles for carrying kids and groceries up a long flight of switchback stairs from the driveway, or be rich enough they can pay the house gurl (or house boy) a few extra pennies to do so. Listing information for the 4 bedroom and 3 bathroom residence indicates the large rectangular living room includes a wall of sliding windows that open to the rear terrace (nice) and, natch, a giant flat screen tee-vee hung over the wood burning fireplace, an omnipresent boob-toob trend that Your Mama is o-vah. We are just so damn tahrd of seeing a damn television mounted to walls in the kitchens and bathrooms and bedrooms and hallways and elevators and on and on and on. We like tee-vee as much if not more than anyone, but even Your Mama can take a crap without having to watch the damn boob-toob.

The decent sized dining room have been painted white, which we love, and includes a chintzy and glitzy faux-crystal chandelier which manages to create a delicious tension between the clean lined 1940s dining room chairs and the striped piece of contemporary "art" which actually looks like the sort of cheap decorative doo-dad we used to make in our university days out of cardboard and a bucket full of multi-colored tape.

The kitchen and breakfast area have been all did up and done over in bright white cabinets with glass fronts, Carrara marble counter tops and stainless steel appliances. While the appliances are higher grade, we find the cabinets with their arched openings to be a wee bit too traditional for our taste. However, we are luh-ving the honey bee tile floor with the dark band ringing the room. Honey bee tile always makes us happy even though it reminds our usually drunk friend Fiona Trambeau of some of the public restrooms she frequents.

The master bedroom has yet another flat screen tee-vee mounted to the wall (will that trend ever end?) and the master bath features more Carrara marble, dark cabinetry and a single sink vanity with frosted side light windows. As for the orchid sitting on the counter top? Pleeze. We beg of some big name decorator with solid ties to all the slick and influential design publications to declare orchids an unforgivably passé affection of day-core. The children will note the scale pushed under the cabinetry. Miss Lewis, who we've heard rumored is living in this house, must be conscious of keeping his hips slim and stomach flat, partick since they say television adds ten pounds. And what vain queen wants to look like he's got a fat ass? A bubble booty maybe, but a fat ass? Uhm, no.

The modestly sized rear yard has been landscaped for privacy and includes a good sized brick terrace for dining and spreading out the gossip glossies in the afternoon shade. A small rectangular swimming pool, a plunge pool really, with brick coping has been added along with a couple of brick islands where not particularly comfortable looking lounges have been placed.

Given that the credit markets are currently at a stand still and buyers of million dollar houses are hanging on to their savings accounts like never before, it remains to be seen what will become of Mister Lewis' up until now very successful mid-price house flipping enterprise. Whatever happens, we can't help it, we like Miss Lewis and his crazy ways and hope he keeps on keepin' on so we can have at least a few more seasons of Flipping Out to mortify and warm the cockles of our cold, dark heart.

Could This be Jimmy Kimmel's New Crib?

BUYER: Jimmy Kimmel
LOCATION: Marmont Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,000,000
SIZE: 5,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 1 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The main house soars effortlessly in the sky that one experiences a visceral quality that is rarely experienced in homes. The interplay between the interior & exterior is captivating. The progressive aesthetic continues w/ separate guest house that includes gym/office & home theater.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A week or so ago we were chit-chatting with a real estate savvy pal we'll call Hollywood Hills Hildegard who told us that she'd recently heard through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that a very contemporary and newly built house on Marmont Avenue had very recently been sold to a celebrity. Trouble was, Hildegard didn't know the buyer's identity. In fact, she was asking little ol' moi if we knew.

Well, of course, upon hearing that little tidbit Your Mama's little mind started whirring and our fat fingers starting dialing up some of the fancy folks with whom we fraternize who often know a thing or two about high end real estate in the Hollywood Hills. About 20 minutes later, the always reliable and wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts informed us that she's quite certain this house on Marmont Avenue was purchased by funny man Jimmy Kimmel.

Among his many acheivements in the tee-vee bizness, Mister Kimmel, who currently hosts the eponymous Jimmy Kimmel Live! program on the ABC, got his start co-hosting Daytime Emmy winning game show Win Ben Stein's Money and went on to co-create and co-host the testosterone fueled The Man Show on which he and the other co-hosts often humiliated people in the most outlandish ways they could concoct. He's also lent his voice to many animated programs such as Robot Chicken, Family Guy, and Road Trip. But he is best known to Your Mama for the celebrity filled mock music video he made earlier this year called I'm Fucking Ben Affleck, which was a response to his gurl friend Sarah Silverman's mock music video I'm Fucking Matt Damon, both of which became internet sensations.

Now listen children, public records indicate the pricey property on Marmont Avenue was purchased through a trust and do not actually show Mister Kimmel's name. Therefore, we can not say with 100% accuracy that Mister Kimmel bought this house. However, we will say it with 99% accuracy because, let's face it, our gal Lucy Spillerguts seldom (if ever) gets it wrong.

Listing information for the big, boxy, slinky and sexy residence in the Hollywood Hills shows it measures approximately 5,500 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 4.75 bathrooms. However, we counted 5 full and 1 half bathroom. Go figure. Anyhoo, it's unclear at this point how much moolah was spent to purchase the two building compound but listing information shows its last asking price was $6,350,000. We're sure that Mister Big Time will be able to suss out the actual sale price in the next few days. He's often much better at that than we are.

The new (and alleged) Kimmel compound consists of a light and airy main house that wraps around and hovers over a rectangular shaped swimming pool and spa and a detached building which contains the guest quarters, an office/gym, and a media room with sleek built in cabinetry and what appear to be some janky black out curtains. Both buildings are surrounded by copious patios, decks, terraces and lawn areas all of which look, to Your Mama, more like a courtyard at a W Hotel than a private home.

The unabashedly contemporary house has an open plan living, dining and kitchen area which features a floating staircase to the second floor and large disappearing walls of glass that when open completely obliterate the distinction between indoors and outdoors. The double island kitchen also features a floor to ceiling wine cellar wrapped in green glass which, quite frankly, is just too much of an architectural gimmick for our personal taste but one that modern minded oenophiles will surely appreciate. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter had white Corian counter tops in our former beach house and while they looked spectacular, we encourage Mister Kimmel to never let anything acidic or red ever lay on his new counter tops for more than a few moments because that white shit can be a bitch to keep looking white.

Each of the four bedrooms in the main house are commodious and have attached bathrooms which means, of course, that Mister Kimmel's kids and guests will not have to share terlits. The master bedroom measures over 600 square feet and includes a fireplace, giant walk in closet, glittery views over Los Angeles, and a sky lit bathroom with a glassed in shower stall and a very expensive soaking tub. Somehow we don't imagine Mister Kimmel luxuriating in a bathtub.

The children should keep in mind that the furniture and day-core shown here does NOT belong to Mister Kimmel or any other home owner for that matter. The property was staged for selling. However, we do so hope that Mister Kimmel has the smarts to hire a nice gay decorator to help him do up this house because without the deft hand of a skilled decorator homes like this can easily look cold, sterile, unfriendly and simply too big.

Mister Kimmel's new neighborhood situs just up from the legendary celebrity hideout hotel Chateau Marmont and is, of course, chock full of high profile people, none perhaps more a-list than Cameron Diaz who not only appeared in Mister Kimmel's aforementioned mock music video but also lives just down the street. As far as we know Mister Kimmel still owns his house on Wonder View Drive which property records show he purchased in April of 2002 for $925,000 and proceeded to completely remodel. Records show that Mister Kimmel also owns a two unit building in sleepy Hermosa Beach, CA that sits just 1.5 short blocks to the sand.

Friday, December 12, 2008


SELLERS: David Garfinkle and Maira Suro
LOCATION: Royal Oak Road, Encino, CA
PRICE: $3,699,000
SIZE: 2,953 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The 4 bd/4.5 bth combines the best of mid century dsgn w/ top of the line technlgy in sought aftr Royal Oaks nghbrhd. Walls of glass thru out allow for great indr/outdr flow. Sparkling pool & water sculpture fntn make for entertainers dream. Prvt mstr suite has tree-top & pool vws, walk-in clst & striking mstr bth w/ spa tub & over-sizd shwr. Walnut flrs, exotic wd cabnts, skylights, media rm, epicurean kit w/ Viking & SubZero appls, security t.v., plasma & LCD tvs, srnd snd & btf lndsp.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Take a chill pill children, Your Mama recognizes that unless you're in "the bizness" of tee-vee y'all probably haven't got a clue who these David Garfinkle and Maira Suro people are. While you may not know their names, we can assure you that you've seen some of the television programming they've produced.

Mister Garfinkle works as a reality tee-vee executive producer who has a long list of credits that include such glorious boob-toob trainwrecks as Gone Country, Mobile Home Disaster, Let's Make a Deal and the always eye popping and dee-lishusly entertaining reality tee-vee extravaganza The Surreal Life where the formerly famous go to earn a few easy dollars so they can keep making the payment on their automobile and, hopefully, breathe a little life into their moribund careers.

Miz Suro works her tee-vee magic as an executive at the MTV. In fact, she was an executive producer for the recent publicity ploy Britney: For the Record during which Miss Spears rather conveniently failed to reveal anything about her more bizarre behaviors over the last year or even mention her recent tangle with mental instability.

Listen puppies, Miss Spears does not owe any one any kind of explanation about nuthin'. However, we find it deeply disingenuous to promote an hour long television interview as her attempt to set the record straight about her life and then NOT talk about the juicy bizness like being forcibly removed from her Beverly Hills home and checked into the psych ward Cedars Sinai. Or her rumored battle with bi-polarity, the acknowledgement of which, if true, could really help a lot of people. And, perhaps most appalling was for her to say shaving her damn head was no big deal and that lots of other people do the same thing when they get stressed out? Pleeze. Your Mama's last nerve gets worked every damn day but you don't see us ducking in to some dirty looking hair parlor in Tarzana and shaving our head.

No children, that television special was clearly not meant to be a window into Miss Spears' strange world of mega-celebrity. Let's cut the crap and just call it what it was, okay? Despite a few tears and some almost poignant moments, the interview was a puff piece meant to garner attention for her newly released (and hugely successful) album Circus. All due respect, because we do not think Miss Spears has it easy, but gurl should have just stayed home if she wasn't going to speak on any of the important issues that her fans really want to know about.

Anyhoo, as usual, we digress. Let's get back to the contemporary crib in Encino that Mister Garfinkle and Miz Suro have recently listed with an asking price of $3,699,000. Property records show the couple scooped up the Royal Oak Road residence in October of 2006 for $3,095,000. It is unclear to Your Mama if the Garfinkle/Suros are responsible for the complete overhaul of the property or if those accolades belong to someone else.

Although we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there was nothing architecturally significant about this house when it was built in 1950, the recent renovation has clearly taken what was probably a very ordinary ranch house and turned it into a warmly modern home with a properly conceived space plan. Listen, we know that some of you are gonna say that a pig with lipstick is still a pig, but we happen to like this house. Even if it is in a good part of Encino. Ain't a thing wrong with Encino children, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would rather live in the 10th circle of hell than Encino. It's just a personal preference.

Anyhoo, listing information shows the house measures in at 2,953 square feet, which is a perfect size for this Goldilocks. Any more square footage and we'd just have to pay our bossy house gurl Svetlana extra to clean rooms we did not use. Listing information also indicates there are 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathrooms, a bed to bath ratio that makes the Dr. Cooter swoon with dee-lite.

The long and low house is accessed up a long, curving and gated driveway that terminates in a small motor court. If you're going to own a house with a front facing garage, it might as well be one of these frosted glass numbers, right? The front facade offers little more than straight lines and solid walls and certainly does not hint at the fa-boo floor to ceiling walls of glass at the back of the house which nicely blur the lines between inside and outside.

Ordinarily Your Mama does not care for an open plan layout...we just go crazy when we have to look at the dang dishwasher while we're bizzy concentrating on shoveling food down our gullet at the dining room table. None the less, the "L" shape configuration of this house allows each living area to have its own separate space while still participating as a part of the whole, not an easy architectural trick.

The living room features a fireplace and a wall of custom cabinetry and shelving where the Garfinkle/Suros have quite wisely not overloaded with knick knacks and family photos. We might like to see a few books up in there, but we'll give them a pass on that. This time.

We find the dining room table to be too small for the room, but we do appreciate the conical tortoise shell chandelier which tosses off the sort of soft yellow light that makes everyone look younger and beautiful even while chomping on big piece of meat. The kitchen sits in the corner of the "L" and connects the "formal" spaces with the family living spaces which include a family room with a gigantic white sofa, some shiny tables and a white super-shag rug that would indicate to Your Mama that shooz are not to be worn in this house. We do note a lack of books in here, a decorative oversight we can not over look twice. Beyond the family room is the windowless media room where, for better or worse, all the reality tee-vee stars can be seen life size. Your Mama's back aches just thinking of settin' down in a bean bag, but otherwise we find this to be one of the better media rooms we've come across in a long time. Not to big, not too small and none of those black out curtains that just collect dust.

Upstairs, the large master bedroom has a long, low cabinet running the entire length of the wall opposite the bed. A window seat has been cleverly built in which we imagine our mean ol' pussy cat Sugar would find an excellent spot to soak up some sun and dig her claws into the very expensive fabric covering the cushion. He's a bitch that way. We find the master bathroom strikes an appropriate chord between luxurious and functional with heaps of storage space, a large walk in shower and a steam room where Your Mama could sweat out the booze toxins on a regular basis.

The modestly sized back yard includes a large rectangular shaped swimming pool surrounded by privacy hedges. We'd prefer a little more shaded area out here since the Encino sun can be a blistering nightmare in the summer. A small grassy area (not shown) is tucked back behind the media room where–if one must–a swing set and sandbox could be installed for the kiddies.

To be honest children, Your Mama can't imagine why the Garfinkle/Suros want to sell this house. But sell they are. We presume with their tee-vee successes they'll be moving to bigger and better digs. Well, at least bigger.