Friday, November 30, 2007

Prince Bandar Changes His Rich and Fickle Mind

As of the end of November, there is one less $100,000,000+ trophy property on the market looking for a homeless billionaire.

According to a recent post on The Real Estate Bloggers, Royal Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia has decided not to sell Hala Ranch, his 90+ acre Aspen hideaway that has long been for sale with a face smacking $135,000,000 asking price.

Although Mister Bandar has more money than the damn Pope, it costs a lot of oil money to maintain and staff a 56,000 square foot house with 15 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, a hotel lobby sized living room, a beauty parlor and a barbershop, water treatment plant, car wash, mechanical shop, indoor and outdoor swimming pools, tennis court, racquetball court, heated horse barn and a huge pond stocked with fish. Dayum.

The ranch was initially put on the market because the Prince rarely visited the estate. Now that no one else wants it, maybe he'll jump on his private plane and visit a bit more often to help justify the outrageous expense of owning a place like this. Your Mama doubts it though.

According to Joshua Saslove, THE mega broker of high end properties in the Aspen area, there was "enormous interest" in the property that looks more like a corporate retreat than a private home, but "none of the interested parties wrote a contract that was acceptable to the seller."


Now puppies, just how many times have we told you that rich people can be enormously capricious and one can never predict what choices that breed of fat cat will make on a moments notice when it comes to buying and selling the real estate? A thousand times if we've told you once.

Here's a not very educated or informed by anyone in the know prediction kids: Hala Ranch will remain quietly on the market and come back on the open market several months into next year at a substantially reduced asking price.

Britney's Former NYC Pad Is Flipping Out

SELLERS: Jessica Klein and Isaac Levenbrown
LOCATION: East Fourth Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 4,400 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: SPECTACULAR CELEBRITY PENTHOUSE. Entertain in style in the dramatic, newly renovated 4-level luxury townhouse in the sky. Chef's kitchen with SubZero and Viking appliances, hand-rubbed cherry cabinets and granite countertops. Full-floor living/dining room with wood burning fireplace, soaring ceilings, oversized windows and Empire State views. Super-private master bedroom suite features enormous custom-built closets, wood-burning fireplace, and two full baths with slat counter and European fixtures.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Little Miss I Lost Custody of My Children Because I Like To Party Too Much Britney Spears may be all broken down with bad skin running around with a tawdry cadre of beady eyed cohorts, but thanks to a lovely missive from a gentleman we call The Rolling Stone, Your Mama has learned that her old New York City crash pad in the Silk Building on the corner of East Fourth Street and Broadway is fixed up, spit shined, looking fresh and back on the market for a whopping $6,995,000.

The four floor, three bedroom and 4.5 bathroom townhouse style penthouse languished on the market for more than two years before Beverly Hills 90210 producer and writer Jessica Klein and her huzband Isaac Levenbrown, who designs and installs multimedia systems, swooped in and paid the dee-vorcée pop star exactly $4,000,000 for the 4,400 square foot condominium in August of 2006.

Little Miss Bad Weave Britney was hardly the only celebrity to occupy this condo, and arguably she's not even the most famous behatcha to shack up in these digs above the once legendary and now defunct Tower Records on lower Broadway. Once upon a time, hip hop honcho Russell Simmons owned the place, as did dried apple faced Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, and–drum roll please–according to the sassy and always accurate folks at Curbed, pop music diva Cher also called the penthouse home too.

Interestingly, this is not the only celebrity crib that Miz Klein and Mister Levenbrown have purchased. Oh no. Property records show that back in 2000, the newly married couple paid $1,150,000 to purchase a 5,367 square foot house in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles from follically challenged actor and serial house hopper Nic Cage. According to reports at the time, the 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom medieval style and castle-like residence came complete with scads of gargoyles, a mural in the dining room depicting scenes from ancient Egypt, and a cast iron snake for a stair master. Property records show the couple still own this house.

It appears to Your Mama that the Los Angeles based couple decided not to be bi-coastal after all or perhaps they never intended to occupy Britney's former den of iniquity. After purchasing the unit, they embarked on a renovation that Your Mama can only hope included a full scale fumigation not to mention a thorough scraping of all the cigarette smoke sodden paint.

Listing information states the newly renovated condo includes a chef's kitchen, a full floor living and dining room space with a wood burring fireplace, a super-private master bedroom suite with custom built in closets and a wood burning fireplace. Additional features include a Crestron lighting system, central air conditioning, washer and dryer, custom chandeliers, plus a private planted terrace.

However, as nice as that terrace surely is, this place has entirely too many damn stairs not to have a private elevator. Jeezis Mary and Joseph, just thinking about the extreme effort it would take to climb from the 10th floor to the 13th floor so that our long bodied bitches could bask in the lower Manhattan sunshine has Your Mama wheezing and clutching at our heart. Dear gawd, it's just insane to think that anyone besides some kind of exercise nut can climb all those stairs day in and day out without stroking out or popping a damn vessel in their brain. Honestly!

Before we sign off to cozy up with our big bottle of Bombay, let's discuss the dramatic price increase since the Klein/Levenbrowns bought the place just over a year ago. We get it, you renovated the place, and the Manhattan market is still frenzied despite an lackluster economy and a well publicized mortgage melt down. But who among savvy buyers in Manhattan really think that a little bit of paint, a few yards of granite and some floor stain justifies a 75% price increase? Sorry babies, but not Your Mama, not in our humble and meaningless opinion.

Anyhoo, perhaps if Little Miss I Just Bought $200,000 Worth of Brand New Mercedes Benz's hadn't sold this place, she could have easily fled her sad and difficult life in Los Angeles for a new start in New York City where Your Mama is certain that the Dr. Cooter would be more than happy to smack her back into having a functioning bone of sense in her body.

Now listen up. Don't any of you rabid Britney Spears supporters get on the damn subway and head downtown, because Little Miss I Might Be (Or Might Not Be) Pregnant does not live here anymore. For the ignorami among us, Your Mama repeats, she does not live here anymore. So just stay in your dark little apartments dressed in your Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and lip synching the words to Hit Me Baby One More Time.

P.S. Little Miss I Prefer a Hotel Even Though I Have Two Houses appears to have taken her Beverly Hills house off the market. Again. (Follow the links for photos puppies.) Our sources tell us that she lives primarily in the Malee-boo house she leased at a rumored rate of $35,000 per month, but according to someone who has been in the house in the guard gated Summit community, the place is a pig sty and it looks like she uses it as a crash pad and dressing room with clothes strewn all over the place.

Several reports have been coming out about how she has a double locked room up in her Bev Hills crib with a mirrored ceiling, a rack full of costumes for sex play and dozens of, uhm, items used for sexual pleasure. But so far Your Mama can't confirm whether this is true or if this is just people wanting to sell glossy gossip magazines. Honestly, if you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, we think there's a 50/50 chance of it being true. Little Miss No Underpants is widely considered a bit of sex maniac. So who knows. And really, kids, would that be so bad really? So what if she liked the sex a lot? There are far worse things she could (and reportedly does) put in her body than a dildo. Oh dear, did we say that?

At Home With Leonard Pincus

It seems that just about every wickedly wealthy financier and stinking rich socialite wants to get in on the publicity circus that follows buying, selling, or simply listing a private residence at an unfathomably high price.

We've got Donald Trump and his freaky follicles down in Palm Beach hoping to get $125,000,000 for his flip property that looks like drug lords hideout Your Mama. There's mega rich dee-vorcee Suzanne Saperstein in Los Angeles trying to dump her palatial pile of faux Versailles for $125,000,000 and her 123-acre Simi Valley horse farm for $75,000,000. And let's not forget Leonard Blavatnik, a Russian born magnate of a man who makes spectacular sport of buying high priced digs all over the world including coughing up a rumored (and denied) $150,000,000 for 30,000 square feet of penthouse opulence atop the soon to be refurbished The Mark on the Upper East Side.

And last week, the usually quite discreet white haired financier Lionel Pincus, who ferries Princess Firyal of Jordan around to all the best dinner parties and charity functions of the bejeweled and big bank account set, has tossed his hoity toity hat into the ring by dumping his sprawling duplex at the posh Pierre on the market with a blistering $50,000,000 price tag.

Which is a billionaire's bargain when you consider that filthy rich financier Martin Zweig has spent more than three years trying to unload his tremendous triplex penthouse co-op at The Pierre for an unfathomable $70,000,000.

The Corcoran listing agent for Mister Pincus' duplex has yet to release interior photos, but if the floor plan is any indication of the extreme and obscene lavishness of the interior appointments, Your Mama would bet our left arm they will cause half of the Upper East Side to gasp collectively thereby sucking most of the oxygen out of the air all up and down Fifth Avenue.

Let's have a look-see at what $50,000,000 buys someone with enough liquid assets to feed, clothe, and educate half of Africa. Get ready kids, because the numbers are staggering.

The recently renovated co-op occupies the entire 30th floor, half the 31st floor and measures 6,678 square feet which calculates to a jaw dropping $7,498 per square foot. The listing for the property indicates 14 rooms, the masterful Max Abelson at the New York Observer reports there are twelve rooms, and Your Mama counts fifteen. There are 10 foot ceilings, more than 80 feet of park frontage by our calculations, 4-6 bedrooms depending on how you count or who you talk to, 5 full and three half bathrooms, 39 windows, 31 closets plus 4 walk in closets, 2 wood paneled dressing rooms, two kitchens (and one large pantry), two laundry areas, two paneled libraries, 2 sitting rooms, one exercise room, 1 staff office (natch), 5 star hotel amenities, $27,443 per month in maintenance fees, and according to the listing, the notoriously demanding board at The Pierre requires a minimum of 46% as a down payment...that's $23,000,000 for the math impaired.

Maybe Lakshmi Mittal, a steel tycoon for whom fifty million clams is pocket change, needs a little New York City pied a terre?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Livin' Large in Encino With Eddie Cibrian

SELLER: Eddie Cibrian
BUYER: Carlos Mencia
LOCATION: White Oak Avenue, Encino, CA
PRICE: $4,395,000 (list); $4,300,000 (sale)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Newly renovated walled & gated celebrity owned Ranch Estate. Grand 2 story entry w/ wrought iron staircase. Ideal for entertaining, rooms are grand scale & open to spectacular luch tropical grounds w/ pool & spa. 2 master suites, FR / coffred ceilings, library, + home theater. Banquet sized FD & kitch w/ center isle, granite, Viking & SubZero SS appl. Spacious master w/ frplc, & ba with 2 walk-in closets, 2 showers (1 steam), spa tub. Travertine & hardwood floors + high ceilings. 6 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear. Somebody please get Your Mama a silver spike that we can drive through the heart of the decorating demon who is responsible for this Encino mess that luscious looking actor Eddie Cibrian and his model wifey Brandi (with an "i," of course) call home. Dear Jeezis in heaven, Your Mama just prefers not to know that there are people in the world who actually want to live in houses with porte-cocheres meant to make the house look elegant and grandiose but really just make it look like a damn Ramada Inn.

According to property records, Mister Cuban American sexiness purchased this enormous 8,560 square foot house of horrors in May of 2002 for $2,020,000. According to listing information, the rambling and recently renovated six bedroom house includes eight bathrooms, a home theater, library, family room, two master suites (1 up and 1 down), and a banquet sized dining room. The vast second floor master suite features two walk in closets, a fireplace, and for some asinine reason, two showers. Shoved in the corner of the second rate porn set worthy bedroom we see one of those exercise bike abominations. 8,560 square feet of faux elegance and the Cibrians shove that sweat maker into the bedroom? Oh, hunnies, no. Yer a good looking and hard bodied couple who need lots of exercise to look hawt, but surely there's a better location for that contraption.

Since we first located this property a week or so ago, the status of the listing has been changed to "Looking for a Backup" which would indicate that the bee stung lipped slab of beef and his sexy mommy wife have found a buyer for their hive inducing residence.

Holy moly children, we don't mean to be haters. Y'all know we like to say something nice about all the properties we discuss, but sometimes that is just not possible and Your Mama is just too shaken and upset to continue damaging our eyes looking at this house. Well, okay, the backyard lagoon style lap pool with the tropical landscaping is pretty, but that arching bridge is simply not safe for the handicapped or booze imbibers.

Anyhoo, before we cozy up to our big bottle of Bombay in an effort to calm our frazzled nerves, let Your Mama offer Mister and Missus Cibrian and all the children some sage yet simple decorating advice. It is never, ever a good idea to drive the Hummer or whatever other big ass SUV you have out to the local mall and march in to Pottery Barn and shout, "I'll take it all!" Because unfortunately it ends up looking like this. There's nothing overtly offensive here, but there's also nothing interesting or compelling about the interior spaces either, which quite frankly is a decorating crime of the highest magnitude.

Now puppies, we must leave you and ring Louella Hopper, our dear old friend who has recently and thankfully returned from self imposed exile and who always provides Your Mama with moral support, guidance and the most sa-lay-shush and dee-praved gossip about the doings in the Platinum Triangle.

UPDATE: This property was purchased in late 2007 by comedian Carlos Mencia.

UPDATE: 50 Cent

Surely by now all the children know that 50 Cent, the smack talking rapper who was once shot full of holes and lived to tell about it, has been trying to sell his freakishly huge 50,000 square foot mega mansion in Connecticut that he bought from girly voiced boxer Mike Tyson's ex-wifey Monica for $4,100,000.

The super successful musician is asking a whopping $18,500,000 for his poorly decorated pile that features such amenities and a private disco, a movie thee-ay-ter, four kitchens, a racquetball court (which we can't imagine Mister 50 uses much), heli-pad, tennis courts, a private logoo with spitting fountains, an indoor shooting range, indoor and outdoor swimming pools, 19 bedrooms and nearly 40 damn terlits. Yes children nearly 40 terlits. If yer house needs this many terlits, there is entirely too much crapping going on by the guests who have come over to bbq and shoot pistols.

Just in case you can't stay up until 10:30 tonight when the show airs on MTV Cribs, and lahwd knows Your Mama cain't, here's a little teaser where the surprisingly soft spoken and subdued Mister Fifty shows us his tacky $80,000 dining room chandelier, his impressive hat and shoe closet which will make any shoe queen drool with envy, and his bumble bee yellow million dollar Ferrari. For a million bucks Your Mama would rather own a crazy ass Tara Donovan sculpture, but who are we to question the reasons some men need to own powerful and grotesquely expensive sports cars? Back off car enthusiasts, we know yer going to tell us a Ferrari is a work of art. Fine. You say toemaytoe, we say toemahtoe. We'd still rather have an undulating sculpture made of Styrofoam cups.

Now that I've shamelessly plugged MTV Cribs, Your Mama hopes they'll get smart and buy some damn advertising.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Jeff Lewis Strikes Again

SELLER: Jeff Lewis
LOCATION: N. Commonwealth Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 1,938 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Incredible design, perfectly private. Down a long private drive sits this stunning modern, recently renovated with a Palm Springs influence. Loft-life space with courtyard entry, high ceilings, exposed ducting, and gorgeous walnut flooring throughout. Streamlined high-end kitchen and baths, and new pool-spa. Three bedrooms, 2.5 baths, including master suite with outdoor access. Outdoor space includes a large deck, patios, and two flat yard areas.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Put down your doobies and put on your thinking caps children because Your Mama wants you to remember all the way back to late July and early August when every real estate freako and house loving homosexual was glued to boob tube while we peered into the wacky world of quirky and balloon lipped house flipper Jeff Lewis and his coterie of actor assistants, pet psychics, the gay daddy ex-boyfriend and a sassy and lovable Nicaraguan housekeeper named Zoila.

Towards the end of the series that aired on The Bravo, Mister Lewis negotiated to purchase a ugly broken down mess of a property on N. Commonwealth Avenue in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. Property records reveal that the professional speculator paid just $800,000 for the 1,938 square foot pile of crap. Ever since, Your Mama has been on pins and needles waiting to see what sort of speculation magic the complicated perfectionist would work.

This time around, according to the listing, Mister Lewis chose a "Palm Springs influence." But children, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have spent many a wonderful weekend at The Parker Hotel in Palm Springs, and we don't see it. This place looks nothing like all the low slung Alexanders that litter the desert landscape out there or the fabulous Freys or the wonderful Wexlers, and this certainly has little if anything in connection with a Neutra.

Yes, it does have a courtyard (behind the garage) with a contempo stone fountain (not pictured), and there's a liberal use of frosted glass and lots of high ceilings, which is all vaguely Palm Springs (and Miami and the Hollywood Hills frankly), but Your Mama thinks Mister Lewis, all due respect, is pushing the laws interior decorating decency to throw a few pieces of reproduction mid-century modern staging furniture in a house, paint the exterior door frames a bright (and lovely) shade of orange and call it Palms Springs.

None the less and despite the faux "Palm Springs influence," over all Your Mama is impressed with what Mister Lewis, his big lips and his exceedingly well groomed ex-boyfriend/business partner Ryan have done with this former rat shack that includes 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms. The potty mouthed children can say whatever mean and snarky things they want about Mister Lewis' off-kilter personality and constant state of financial freaking out, and we're certain you will. But be honest. The man flips properties better than 90% of the other professional flippers out there who max their credit cards out buying truckloads of appalling and cheaply made crap at The Home Despot.

The expensive walnut floors were an expected but still delicious choice and a welcomed veer from all that engineered wood crap most house flippers put down. Your Mama always welcomes a shiny suite of high priced kitchen appliances and we are particularly fond of the baby Viking and that gorgeous glass fronted SubZero has us quivering with delight. We know this kitchen isn't blazing any new trails of haute culinary design and it's not going to inspire anyone to be the next Top Chef, but it's a perfectly appropriate and functional kitchen that won't look out of date in six months or even six years. And in a flip property, like it or not kids, that's a prime objective.

They can not be seen in the photo above, but the vaulted ceiling living room has sizable sliders that open to both the entrance courtyard and the swimming pool deck at the side of the house. These sliders allow for turning the room into a big covered porch like area. Nice. However, the prison grey paint isn't working for us, and we're disappointed not to find a fireplace to anchor the room and give it a focus. Of course, seldom is it cool enough for Angelenos to actually need a fireplace to heat the tootsies, but for this price, Your Mama wants the option to dabble in that flaming luxury.

Upstairs we find the sleeping quarters and two of the bathrooms. We do so love a master bedroom that opens to the back yard the way this one does because it's perfect for letting our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly out in the middle of the night when they're unable to hold their bowels. But Your Mama has some serious issues with the bathroom. We can get behind the essentially masculine taupe and blue color scheme, but we do not care for trough sinks, they look like urinals in sleazy gay bars to us. We know that rain style shower heads are all the rage in bathroom renovations, but have y'all ever used one? They're nice for just standing there letting the water fall on you, but try bathing under one of those nightmares. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter installed one in our outdoor shower at our newly shingled and modest beach house, and don't you know we ripped that thing out before the summer was over. We can not tolerate those things unless they are paired with a more traditional wall mounted shower head. And lastly, we would have really liked to have seen a tiled bench in this big shower, because Your Mama often needs to sit down and catch our breath after a vigorous body scrubbing.

Mister Lewis and his team have managed to squeeze in an attractive and petite plunge pool and spa into the side yard, and they've terrace a good portion of the back yard creating a fair amount of usable space on the difficult hillside parcel. Yes children, it does all look magnificently manicured with the unnaturally green grass and the dark decking, but Your Mama is concerned that the landscaper will put his back out or suffer a hernia hauling the big Toro mower up and down the stairs to the sod covered terraces. And don't even get us started on the drama, hysterics and shirtless manpower required to mow up that steep hillside.

Although Your Mama would never buy this house–too many stairs in the back yard and we're convinced we'd take out the landscaping and scrape the sides of our big BMW trying to back down that narrow driveway–we sincerely hope that Mister Lewis and his carefully coiffed ex boyfriend/business partner Ryan have better luck unloading this property than they have with their flip on Ben Lomond Place. Poor dears have reduced the asking price of that house from $1,525,000 to $1,349,000 and still no one wants to buy it.

But before y'all weep yer crocodile tears for these pretty boys, lets keep in mind that according to property records the flipping duo recently sold the house on Nottingham Avenue (the big unfinished house on the program that Ryan moved in to) for a whopping $4,350,000. The Nottingham house was purchased in June 2006 for $2,260,000 and it appears they took another $1,050,000 in loans, which means by Your Mama's fuzzy math the sale of the property dumped about a million clams into their well pressed khakis. So it seems they can keep all their employees employed for at least a while longer.

Good News!

We've been settin' on a secret children, and before Your Mama explodes into a thousand candy filled pieces, we just have to fill y'all in.

Not too long ago Your Mama was approached by an accomplished and good looking producer who likes what we do here on our little blog. So, after much haggling and screaming Your Mama has thrown caution to the wind and we are now in development for a television show for the 2008 season.

A damn tee-vee show!

Since Your Mama loves all the children so much, even the bitchy potty mouthed ones, we'd love some feedback about what you enjoy about our little blog and what you might like to see translated on to the boob-toob. Also, if any of you clever beavers would like to suggest a title for the show, Your Mama will compile a list and post them for all the children to see who is the most brilliant of our beloved babies.

Email your thoughts, suggestions, ideas, hopes and dreams to

UPDATE: Olsen Twins

You Mama done got it wrong once again. It happens children.

This morning the always accurate Max Abelson, the handsome young man who writes the Manhattan Transfers column at the NY Observer, reports that the Morton Square penthouse that the rail thin Olsen twins bought back in December of 2004 in anticipation of attending New York University is indeed still owed by the mogulettes and has popped back up on the market with a spine tingling asking price of $11,995,000.

Not a bad return considering the twin tycoons paid $7,300,000 for the 5,725 square foot condo that features 12 rooms, 5 bedrooms (including a big bedroom suite with a walk in closest and dressing room for each of them), 4.5 bathrooms, 53 windows, a 53 foot long living and dining room space separated by a glass enclosed fireplace, and every celebrities dream, a service elevator to whisk occupants directly into the subterranean garage without having to cope with the paps camped out in front of the building.


Even the rich and famous sometimes suffer the fate of over reaching house flippers. Back in January, Your Mama discussed the Palm Springs residence that the seemingly ageless glamour icon Cher had on the market for $2,495,000.

Thanks to research by Belinda Beaverman, Your Mama has learned that the price has been substantially reduced to $1,999,000. Oh my.

Before we all start to feel sorry for Cher's spangled, beaded and bedazzled Bob Mackie pocketbook, let's recall that according to property records Miz Cher purchased the posh Las Palmas neighborhood property back in 2004 for just $650,000. Then she spent hundreds of thousands more renovating the place, but Your Mama imagines that's she'll still pocket several hundred thousand on her flip out even if she's forced to sell the 4,000 square foot beige behemoth for considerably less than it's current asking price...which it would appear she's going to have to do.

Cher, hunny, Your Mama loves you almost as much as we love Dolly Parton, but gurl, you gotta get a grip on your stagers because they've done messed up that place in Palm Springs with all that beige paint.

If the Dark Lady really wants to unload this place Your Mama recommends that she haul her nipped, tucked and taut booty out to Palm Springs and remove that damn pear painting in the dining room and those ridiculous photographs of her baby smooth face in the den. Lawhd hunnies, who can see past those hideous "decorations?" Clearly no one in the market for a well located $2,000,000 house in Palm Springs.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Your Mama Catches Up

Your Mama has had half a dozen friends and relatives visiting the past 10 days and we've moved en masse from one residence to the next like it ain't nothing to pack up six people, two long bodied bitches named Linda and Beverly, a mean ol' pussycat named Sugar and stuff them all into a couple of late model BMWs. So we are tired children. And we are in no mood to listen to the children whine and complain that we haven't been posting enough. Screw you little ingrates. It was a damn holiday and Your Mama is entitled to a day off every now and again whether any of you naughty little children think so or not.

Anyhoo, all the familial commotion has left Your Mama backed up, both gastro-intestinally and with our little blog. So in the interest of saving time and our last nerve, we're going to quickly discuss a few things before we begin our regular routine tomorrow. So sit back children, because this is going to be fast and furious.

Like the rest of y'all, we have seen the stories and photos about high heel tottering tycoon Ashley Olsen buying a cluttered Spanish style house in Hancock Park. We'd love to be able to confirm or deny the veracity of those stories, but we can not. As of today, none of our many sources have been able to provide us with any information. The last we knew, the itty bitty Olsen twin was living in a rental property up in Nichols Canyon. Now puppies, we know she's done packed up her designer duds and high heels and decamped from that house, but we've not been able to locate her since. Sorry babies. Your Mama ain't no soothsayer or miracle worker when it comes to these things and despite appearances, we aren't always able to pull a celebrity rabbit out of a real estate hat. So then, if any of you with the inside scoop would like to fill in the gaps for Your Mama and all the hungry children, please don't hesitate to email with some juice.

What we do know, thanks to tipster Richie Rich, is that the massive penthouse condominium at Morton Square in the far West Village of Manhattan that the twins bought but never occupied during their short lived stint at getting educated at NYU is back on the market for $11,995,000. But there's really not much to see because the mogulettes never moved into the sprawling condo and leased it for a whopping $35,000 per month even before they decided the charade of going to college was just too much effort for a couple of young and filthy rich fashionistas with a very, very bizzy schedule of glammy parties to attend.

Your Mama is a big fan of Mister Big Time's little game "Which Celebrity's House Is This," and naturally we're an even bigger fan when we can answer his call about what famous person has bought and/or sold the mystery property. And this week, Your Mama is on a roll. Although to be fair, we have actually managed to figure out the mystery buyers and sellers with the invaluable aid of the always funny and always informative Lucy Spillerguts.

The not very attractive house with jetliner views at 8918 Appian Way in the Hollywood Hills was sold by hot to trot Nine Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor, the super sexy rock star that makes our beloved Lucy pee her pants a little with glee and delight.

We also know who purchased the teeny tiny West Hollywood house on Harland Avenue, but we're awaiting contact from Lucy before we let that cat out of the bag. Suffice for now to say, it's a much bigger celebrity than any of the children would imagine. Much bigger.

Regarding the legal smack down of celebrity real estate agents Joe Babajian and Kyle Grasso in the rarefied Platinum Triangle of Los Angeles, we have no news to report. After the 85 page indictment was handed down, Mister Babajian put his house on the market and we assume the gentlemen have hired top flight attorneys to represent them. We await a settlement or trial like everyone else. We make no predictions on how this will all come down, but Your Mama read every word of the indictment and to our untrained and unlawyer-like mind, it looks bad for these two and the various other folks named in the indictment.

For weeks and weeks Your Mama has been getting email after email about the supposed house that glamazon Kimora Lee Simmons appeared to have purchased on her "reality" show Life in the Fast Lane. Some of the email has been quite friendly, but some of it has been rather hoss-tile too, yes it has. Some of these snot nosed children were snapping and sniping at Your Mama that Miz Simmons did not buy the house that we discussed on our little blog like they know what they are talking about because they saw it on a damn reality show on the tee-vee. Jeezis H. Christ. Some-bahdee bring Your Mama a nerve pill and a gin and tonic to wash it down. Rather than go into it here, Your Mama recommends that any of the interested children check out RADAR's brief exposé on the matter which should clear up what's real and what's not real with Miz Simmons' real estate.

We would like to thank all the children for sending the many tips about celebrity houses being bought and sold over the last few weeks. We do our best to get you as many stories as we can, but Your Mama has only two hands and ten fingers to type with and wear down to nubbins, so please don't be insulted if we don't get to your lovely information in a timely manner.

Enough with the anti-Semitic remarks. Seriously. We do not want to get involved with policing the damn comments section children, but do not think Your Mama won't whip out the wooden spoon and beat your ass until it's black, blue and bleeding before we delete your asinine and uneducated comments. We're certain there are many other blogs that would appreciate that particular brand of inflammatory commentary, but we here at the Real Estalker do not, thank you very much

On that note, get outta here and don't bother Your Mama while we wash our hair with beer and order in a nice big Indian dinner for the Dr. Cooter to say thanks for putting up with the crazy ways of Your Mama's family these past 10 days.

Bye now.

For The Love of Land

Bring on the Middle Eastern potentates, the Russian oligarchs and the American software billionaires because a couple of outrageously high priced Los Angeles land parcels have hit the market that only mega rich magnates or deep pocketed developers can afford.

The first property Your Mama would like to discuss is a collection of lots in swanky Old Bel Air that we have previously discussed when it was rumored that creepy Tom Crooz's peeple were sniffing around the property. Dubbed "The Park at Stone Canyon," the massive 10+ acre plot represents the significant and exceedingly expensive efforts of Elizabeth Hurley's multi-millionaire baby daddy Steve Bing. It took more than nine years for Mister Bing to buy up nine separate lots piece by piece and tear down eight of the old-school mansions, some of which has been previously owned by local luminaries like sexy 1950s siren Kim Novak and the crooner that looks like a lady, Barry Manilow.
Sometime in 2005, Mister Bing the Hollywood producer (Beowolf, The Polar Express), a lucky man who inherited a reported $400-600,000,000 from his grandfather, decided he didn't desire such a monstrous estate after all and sold the 12.4 acre parcel to a group of investors called ECP Acquisitions. Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, how many times has Your Mama told the children that rich people can be so fickle with the real estate? Nine years and umpteen millions only to decide, well, maybe not. We're breathless.

After purchasing the property for an amount money that Your Mama never been able to suss, figure or ferret out, these ECP Acquisitions people had elaborate plans drawn up for an opulent mega-estate that includes a mammoth main house, a separate office and gym, guest house, staff house, a greenhouse and a retreat house, whatever that is, a putting green, an orchard, waterfalls, ponds and a lagoon, not to mention the de riguer tennis court and infinity pool. They also drew up plans for splitting the property into six estates of roughly two acres each. Then they did what anyone with piles of cash to invest in real estate in Los Angeles was doing in 2005, they attempted to flip the property at an ear piercing price and profit. News reports declared that the landscaped and terraced parcel(s), which sit directly across from the hoity-toity Hotel Bel Air, could fetch an unnerving $75,000,000 or more.

But alas...No Texan oil tycoon, hedge fund honcho or Indian Industrialist was willing to cough up the copious cash required to acquire the property. The property disappeared off Your Mama's radar for some time and then poof, out of nowhere, it popped back up on the MLS with a reduced but still eye popping asking price of $59,950,000. Yes puppies, that's just for the bare land. The new owner will need considerable additional assets to design, build and pay for whatever ridiculously humongous residence(s) and accoutrement they would like to put on this piece of property.

Interestingly, the listing describes the property as 10.52 acres (originally the property was marketed with 12.4 acres) which would indicated that one of the ECG people is keeping one of the 2 acre-ish lots for his or herself. Hmm.

Now pour yerself a big stiff one kids, and someone please pass Your Mama the smelling salts because we are not done discussing platinum triangle land parcels with puke inducing price tags.

Not so long ago a property appeared on the MLS that intrigued Your Mama. Located high in the hills of the Beverly Hills Post Office, a 4 parcel estate site totalling nearly 6.25 acres with a Tower Lane address crashed down on the market with a stunning $39,500,000 price tag. Cough. Cough. For the bare land. Can you hear Your Mama's teeth chattering with shock and awe?
Even more intriguing and nerve rattling are the apparent plans the current owner had for the place: 50,000 square feet of Richard Landry designed interior space including a 30,000 square foot main house, a tennis house, gate house, spa house and a waterfall/guest house. All this lavishness was to be accessed by a 1,500 foot long private drive with garage parking for 25 cars, which pretty much makes the place a car dealership with resort amenities.

And who is the current owner you might be wanting to know? Well, after much digging, two of Your Mama's best sources have both independently fingered Jon Peters, the super rich super producer known for his lavish lifestyle, for getting his start in showbiz by dressing Barbra Streisand's hair, and for letting his ex-wife of two months, a ladee named Christine, live rent free in his big house in Bel Air for nearly 20 years, a situation that has resulted in a bitter battle.

According to property records, Mister Peters, who reportedly also owns a home in Bel Air, another in Malibu and an ocean front pile in Santa Barbara, purchased the lots way back in 1996 when there was an 8,000+ square foot house sitting on the property. The house has since been razed and according to listing information, years have been spent on the planning, engineering and design of the property. Ten years into the project and many millions of dollars later with not much to show besides a bunch of damn retaining walls and some drawings and plans, Mister Peters appears to have changed his mind like so many rich and famous do when it comes to ridiculous real estate ventures.

Only time will tell if there are buyers willing to plunk down such huge amounts of coin for vacant property. Lawhd children, imagine all the hungry mouths that could be fed and all the college educations for the poor and hard working that could be funded with this kind of money. It takes a lot to make Your Mama's head spin with visions of money being flushed down the terlit, and children, our head is twisting and spinning just as fast as it can go over these vacant plots of land with obscenely sky high prices.

Monday, November 26, 2007

My Name Is Jason Lee

All through the holiday, Your Mama has quietly and patiently awaited information from our spider web of informants and connections about the English Tudor style house on Dundee Drive in the Los Feliz Hills section of Los Angeles that Mister Big Time discussed on one of his recent installments of "Which Celebrity's House Is This?"
Your Mama's sources tell us that the house (pictured above) was purchased by mustachioed My Name Is Earl actor Jason Lee. As Mister Big Time noted, the property was purchased through a trust overseen by Kevin Burke, a manager whose name appears on the property records for scads of big name Scientologists, including those of indie singer/songwriter Beck and sexy actress Catherine Bell. A quick search through the internets turns up loads of information that connects Mister Lee to the Church of Scientology as well.

Interestingly, our sources also tell us that Mister Lee and his sexy mustache will soon be moving again. Although we have yet to locate property records that show a sale, Lucy Spillerguts, one of Your Mama's finest and most prolific sources tells us that Mister Lee is the buyer for the lovely Los Feliz residence of Robert Cray that was recently on the market for $3,250,000. Located on Hill Oak Road, the nearly 1 acre property includes a modest 2,205 square foot house with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms, a separate office/guest house and an office/studio, plenty of room for all the visiting Thetans

We can't fathom why Mister Lee would buy a house in March of 2007 and then turn around and buy a much more expensive house just six months later. But then again, who are we to make sense of the real estate machinations of the rich and famous?


As Your Mama eases back into the world of celebrity real estate after our quasi-holiday, we would like to note that we are shocked and dismayed by the personal attacks and free floating hating in the comments sections.

As most of the children know, Your Mama does not typically involve ourself in the commentary section of the blog. That space belongs to the children and Your Mama just loves to hear the children bicker and banter about the properties we discuss, the market conditions and various other issues and ideas.

Obviously y'all are free to comment and speak as you see fit, but children, we respectfully ask that you not turn the comments section into a juvenile jab fest taking pot shots at each other and even worse making anti-Semitic and homophobic remarks.

So, to all of our regular and beloved commentating readers (even the doom and gloom ones), Your Mama asks that you simply ignore the haters and move on. Engaging them in "discussion" is only an invitation for them to spew more insanity, and please know that the outrageous and hateful comments are not a reflection of Your Mama's personal point of view.

And P.S., for the anti-Semite out there who so eagerly made disparaging comments about a real estate agent, if you insist on putting ethnic slurs in the comments section of our little blog, please at least do us all the favor of spelling the slurs correctly. Because hunny, you sound ignorant making statements like that, and we just can't imagine you want to look stoopid too.

The Malibu Fire Rages On

While Your Mama and most of the children have spent the Thanksgiving holiday swaddled in the cozy bosom of family and friends, the residents of Malibu are once again coping with the horror and nightmare of a devastating conflagration ripping through the canyons taking down every tree, shrub and home in its violent path.

Our heart truly aches for the people of Malibu and we wait anxiously for the amazing firefighters to bring the blaze under control.

Now listen here children, Your Mama does not want to hear any of this nonsense in the comments section about not feeling sorry for the rich people in Malibu or any of that other crap that some of you moe-rons wrote during the last fire. First of all, not everyone in Malibu is rich. Secondly, and more importantly, all people bleed when hurt and losing a home to an out of control wildfire is a cataclysmic and shocking experience regardless of the size of ones bank account. If you haven't any sympathies for people losing their homes, well then, just keep your sad little mouths shut and wait for our next snarky discussion.
As Your Mama understands from news accounts, most of the many homes lost have been in the Latigo Canyon, Corral Canyon, Malibu Bowl and Malibu Hills areas. Included in the too long list of dozens of damaged or destroyed homes are those of a couple of famous rock stars. The long time Latigo Canyon home of Guns and Roses lead singer Axl Rose has been damaged (pictured above), and although his spokesperson says differently, the City of Malibu website lists Michael Balzary's Sycamore Meadows Drive mansion as been destroyed. Mister Balzary, better known as Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, bought another house in Malibu earlier this year and has been trying to sell the Sycamore Meadows house for quite some time.

Hang on Malee-booans. Your Mama and the children send our deepest sympathies to all residents of Malibu regardless of their economic clout during this ravaging fire season.

Source: CNN (photo)

Friday, November 23, 2007


Finally some good real estate news for top hatted and litigious rock star Slash and his wifey Perla. It appears they may have finally sold off their Wattles Drive white elephant in the Hollywood Hills.

The children will recall that Mister and Missus Slash filed a million dollar plus lawsuit against the real estate agent who represented them during the purchase of this house back in December of 2005 because, they allege, they were misinformed about the size of the house, the amount of parking on the property, whether the property is or is not located on a private street, and various other sundry and silly issues.

Shortly after purchasing the property for $6,250,000, the Slashers decided they didn't want the 5 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom mini manse after all. So they dropped it back on the market for $6,995,000. Despite several price reductions, the house languished on the market and the asking price was eventually brought down to $5,995,999, a number significantly less than the sue happy homeowners paid for the property.

Well, glory hallelujah because MLS information for the property is marked "Looking for a Backup" which indicates the house has finally gone into escrow. Of course a thousand and one things can still go wrong to cause the deal to go down one of the seven terlits in the house. For example, the potential buyers might be bothered by the parking situation at the house and decide to back out.

UPDATE: Ellen Degeneres

Foreclosures may be up and the mortgage mess might be wreaking havoc on middle-class homeowners, but the rich and famous still have plenty of money to buy, sell and flip high end houses. The Wall Street Journal's Private Properties column reported this week that perpetual and peripatetic house hopper Ellen Degeneres and her ladee lover Portia Di Rossi have a deal on their meticulously manicured 4-acre Montecito estate. The children will recall that the gurls bought the property just 14 months ago for a reported $15,750,000, made a few improvements and whipped around and put the George Washington Smith designed Mediterranean style estate back on the market for a staggering $24,000,000. No word on what amount the new owners will be paying for the property, but we can all safely assume that it will be enough to put millions into Ellen's beige Birkin bag.

The paper also reports what Your Mama revealed back in late October that Miz Degeneres and Di Rossi have purchased Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick's recently over-hauled 8,800 (approx.) square foot Bev Hills house. Your Mama has also heard that Mister Mutchnick spent many millions doing over the long and low house that once belonged to professional behatcha Joan Collins. We understand that a new swimming pool was installed with a series of rooms underneath. Yes children, underneath the swimming pool.

This is not the first house the Miz Degeneres has purchased from Mister Mutchnick. According to property records and one of Your Mama's finest sources, Miz Degeneres purchased a house on Woodstock Road from Mister Mutchnick back in April of 2003. The house has since been sold to freakishly successful funny man Will Ferrell.

Although the sale price has not been disclosed, revealed or reported, Your Mama hears from inside sources that the gurls paid $26-30,000,000 for Cabrillo Drive property. We have no way of confirming the purchase price children, so realize that number is just gossip and hearsay at this point, and not hand-on-the-bible truth. According to the WSJ, the purchase price, whatever it was, included much of the furnishings and artwork.

Although property records do not indicate a sale, Your Mama also hears from more than one Beverly Hills blabbermouth that the real estate rich lesbians also bought the house across the street from their new digs, which is owned by celebrity real estate agent Jade Mills.

We have to wonder how long these two will stay living in this house up on Cabrillo Drive. For their own stability, we hope a very long time. For our sake, we hope that pack it up in less than a year because we just love discussing there constant moving.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

From Our House to Yours

To all the tipsters, informants, real estate agents and researchers, and to all the many children out there who tune in every day to read and comment on our meaningless ramblings about celebrity real estate, Your Mama would like to wish a very Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

To all the rich and famous who never stop packing and unpacking, buying, selling, decorating and redecorating, Your Mama would like to thank you too. We couldn't do what we do without your insatiable and puzzling desire for bigger and better homes.

Your Mama is deeply grateful for all the websites, blogs, newspapers and magazines who tirelessly link over to our little folly and we owe them enormous and sincere thanks for all the publicity and linkage.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will be sitting down with Your Mama's Mama, Sister Woman and her family, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, Sugar the pussy cat, and a few arty farty females from New York City who are trekking out to our beach house to drink down a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire, gobble up the organic 17 pound turkey currently roasting in the Viking, chow down on chipotle infused sweet potatoes (thanks to Grandma Bunny and Flower for the recipe), plunder the pancetta and brussels sprouts, and slather it all with mountain of canned cranberry sauce.

Be sure and tell all the ones you love how thankful you are that they're a part to your life, and please know how very thankful Your Mama is for all the children.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Abbreviated House of Carnie Wilson

SELLER: Carnie Wilson and Rob Bonfiglio
LOCATION: Shirley Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,249,000 (reduced from $2,325,000)
SIZE: 4,491 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned breathtaking oasis S/ of Bl. Quiet pceful nghbrhd. Walled/gtd w/ cir dr. Lg frnt yd. Trd 1 sty rnch. 5 bd-5ba-4fp, crn mldngs-rcsd lgts. Plnt shutrs, hdw/travr flrs, surrnd sound. Fr. Drs, alrm sys. Lg cooks kit w ss appls, grnt, mpl cbnets, skylghts, wlk n pntry. Eat n kit, frml dr, lr w/ vltd bm clgs & nu cstm wndo bnch. Dn w/ 15 vltd clgs, extsv chry wd bltns. Look 2 mssv pklike yd w/ pl. Nu 1300 sf redwd deck, detchd bonus rm, mbdrm ste w/ fr drs, fp & lg wk n clst. Spa tub & h/h snks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Carnie Wilson, the daughter of Beach Boy Brian Wilson used to have a career singing saccharine pop songs with her sister and childhood pal in Wilson Philips. Then she had a feel good talk show for about as long as it takes to heat up a pop tart. Then she got skinny with some sort of surgical procedure. Now she writes self help and cook books based on her experience as a fat and depressed woman. She's married to session and touring musician Rob Bonfiglio who also plays the guitar in a little known band called The Skies of America.

All due respect to these two hardworking E-list celebrities, but we find them immensely uninteresting and Your Mama can barely muster the energy required to discuss their traditional and shockingly uninteresting Tarzana home. Property records reveal that the couple bought the 4,491 square foot South of Ventura Boulevard house back in January of 2004 for $1,510,000, and despite having put in a "nu cstm wndo bnch" and "Nu 1300 sf redwd deck," they have recently put their 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom single story suburban sprawler on the market for $2,249,000.

Your Mama freely acknowledges that the Wilson/Bonfiglio home does have a few nice features such as the vaulted beamed wood ceilings in the living and family rooms, the skylight in the kitchen, and the large deck at the back of the house. However, we would like to suggest that in the future Miz Wilson not rely on her own paltry interior design skills to decorate and furnish her future home(s). Fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets? Hunny, no. That big brown leather sectional sofa? Well that just makes Your Mama's heart ache. No, it's not all bad inside. Really, it's not. But Miz Formerly Fat could use the hand and eyes of an expert to assist her in purchasing properly proportioned rugs, how to mix and match patterns effectively, and how to successfully resist placing family photos and depressing decorative plates on top of tall armoires. Because dear, hunny, nobody but professional basketball players can see up there.

Most people East of Pasadena had prolly never heard of Tarzana until the stereotypically suburban San Fernando Valley town was launched into the stratosphere of world-wide gossip when the terrifically troubled mommy Britney Spears shaved her damn dingbat head at some random hair salon in Tarzana. Other celebrity and quasi-celebrity residents of Tarzana include Brit's ex Kevin Federline, lady killer Wilmer Valderama, Jaime Pressly and porn star Crystal Ray who has performed in such cinematic wonders as Camel Toe Jockeys and Anal Bandits 4.

One last thing. Your Mama really tries to keep off the back of real estate agents, there are more than enough people who just love to vilify and slander them. But we are mortified with the excessive abbreviation used in the description of this property. Certainly only the most hard core real estate freakos will be able to make sense of that hieroglyphic like chicken scratch, and in this increasingly difficult real estate market Your Mama recommends less abbreviation and more complete sentences. Just a thought.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Vicki Gunvalson Decides to Stay in the Big House

SELLER: Vicki and Donn Gunvalson
LOCATION: Altimira, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,780,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly unique one of a kind custom estate on a one-third acre lot with a spectacular view of Saddleback Mountain and the golf course! Walk to the clubhouse thru your own gate. Every detail is handcrafted with old world charm, yet modern convenience. 2 masters–one down! Media room. Secluded end of culdesac location. In the process of being upgraded, new paint, carpet, stone floors, slate bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: By far one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's favorite television train wrecks is the gloriously disturbing reality show The Housewives of Orange County. Certainly the children have all tuned in to The Bravo to see this stunner of a program on which a handful of rich, tan, highlighted and Botoxed women in suburban Orange County, CA, open the doors of their banal suburban mini mansions and let us all peer inside their embarrassing lives behind the gates of Coto de Caza. Children forgive Your Mama for saying this, but these boojie bitches mustn't have an ounce of shame because they seem to relish letting the world know their children are obnoxious, entitled and inarticulate mush brains, except for Kara and Briana who seem to recognize that getting a proper education and speaking correct English is a worthwhile endeavor. And don't even get Your Mama started on that sorry lot of emotionally checked out huzbands. Jeezis H. Christ they're enough to make a ladee go lesbian.

Anyhoo, on the Season 3 opener last week we learned that hardworking, successful and obsessive control freak (and our favorite Housewife) Vicki Gunvalson and her huzband Donn had purchased another banal mini mansion in Coto de Caza, the upscale guard gated community where it appears one must present a pair of fake double Ds to even meet with former Playboy Playmate and real estate agent Housewife Jeana Keough.

Although empty nesting Vicki and Donn had already purchased the house and hired a burly looking queen named Frankie to poorly decorate the place in a faux "Tuscan" style, she was having some remorse about downsizing from a 5,000 square foot house into an only slightly less ostentatious 4,000 square foot house. Over dinner with Donn one evening, she fretted about how living in a smaller house and installing a new $250,000+ backyard swimming pool extravaganza might compromise her feelings of success and empire building despite the notion that they would be able to pay for the new house with the equity of the old house, thus being wonderfully free from a large mortgage payment each month. But alas...

Thanks to an OC tipster we'll call Penny Lane, Your Mama has learned that Vicki and Donn have put the new and smaller house back on the market just 6 months after purchasing the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom property for $1,650,000. Naturally it's listed with Jeana and the Gunvalsons are asking $1,780,000, a $130,00 gain that should just about cover the real estate fees and the truckload of furniture from the Broyhill Furniture showroom.

Although listing for the house indicates the house measures 4,000 square feet, property records actually show that house at 3,055 square feet. The bougainvillea covered house is well located for privacy at the end of a cul de sac and overlooks the Coto de Caza Golf and Racquet Club. The house currently does not have a swimming pool, but there is a shabby looking sport court that Vicki and Donn planned on ripping out and replacing with one of those uniquely American backyard swimming pool complexes with a grotto, slide, bbq center and whatever other new-fangled swimming pool accoutrement that the designer mentioned.

Your Mama is so overwhelmed by the interior photos of the Gunvalson's all beige faux "Tuscan" freak out that we don't really know where to begin discussing this disaster? We have never been to Tuscany, but if it really looks like this (and we sincerely doubt it does), Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would both sooner run bamboo shoots under out fingernails than go there. Ever.

Just the study alone has Your Mama wishing we had some spare needles to render our eyes sightless. What in the world is that place? The suit of armor? Oh. My. Gawd. You have got to be kidding, right? The vase of pussy willows? Come on Frankie, you can do better than that, can't you? Does this look like a room that anyone would actually use? For what?

Your Mama simply can not go on without compromising our health. So we're going to leave the discussion to the children while we take a big fat nerve pill and curl up in a fetal position in the corner trying to erase the image of that frightening fabric swagged over the kitchen window that has been seared onto our brain..

UPDATE: Reverend Tim Storey

SELLER: Rev. Tim and Roxanne Storey
LOCATION: Loma Vista Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,535,0o00
SIZE: 4,955 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Major price reduction! Spectacular celebrity owned gated B.H. estate. Private. Exclusive. Showcase prop. built in 2003 & just completed w/ major renovations, including all new designer interior finishes. No expense spared. Spacious 4+6 w/ elevator & fab views. Huge chef's kitchen. Romantic master w/ walls of glass. Infinity pool/cabana/BB center & multiple patios w/ gorgeous resort style grounds & waterfall. Grt. for entertaining. For the most discriminating clients seeking the ultimate in luxury and privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Praise Jeezis! The Rev. Tim Storey, a man who devotes his life to ministering to rich, famous, and spiritually needy folks like Dog the Bounty Hunter, has finally sold his luxurious and large house in the Hollywood Hills.

After sitting on the market for such a long time, the Big Man in the Sky has finally seen it in his wisdom to provide Mister Storey a buyer who property records reveal paid $4,535,000, more than $1,000,000 than Rev. Storey paid for the house in 2003. Hallelujah!

Your Mama wonders how much of his real estate windfall the Reverend will be tithing this Sunday.

Monday, November 19, 2007

LiLo Goes House Hunting...Sort Of.

Speaking of young Hollywood trainwrecks with dwindling cash reserves, gossip gangsta Perez Hilton reported the other day that rehab graduate Lindsay Lohan is out shopping for a new house...or more likely an affordable apartment.

One of Your Mama's impossibly well connected real estate sources tells us that poor Lindsay Lohan is, well, poor and that the young ladee who likes to spend money like she's a blinged up playa making piles of coin (remember that $1,000,000 bill she racked up at the Chateau Marmont?) is actually looking at apartments under $1,000,000, because that's all she can afford.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Maybe she should check out Tara Reid's condo at the Hollywood Versailles, which is on the market for $885,00.

Tara Reid, Live at the Hollywood Versailles

SELLER: Tara Reid
LOCATION: The Hollywood Versailles, Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $885,000
SIZE: 1 bedroom, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Relax in one of the most secured and sought after buildings in Hollywood. This end unit has hills, city and ocean views that bring to mind serenity & romance as you gaze from your completely redone 10th story balcony featuring Chinese earth slate. Elegant unit has granite counter tops, custom maple cabinets, wall to wall mirrors and beautiful hdwd flrs. Both bath rms. have granite & luxury appeal & completes this one of a kind unit in one of the trendiest full service spots in Hollywood.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our always helpful tipster Mugsy Fairweather, Your Mama has learned that the residents of the Hollywood Versailles Tower, near the intersection of La Brea and Hollywood Boulevard, can quietly rejoice and breathe a collective sigh of relief now that one of the building's most notorious residents has put her 10th floor unit on the market. That's right children, former Hollywood hottie turned bloated party princess and public boozer Miss Tara Reid has listed her 1,087 square foot 1 bedroom apartment in Hollywood for $885,000.

Poor Miss Tara Reid, the chesty blond acturuss once had a promising career in La La Land having appeared in such cinematic tour de forces as Josie and the Pussycats and American Pie 2. More recently she's become a favorite of snarky blogs and glossy tabs due to her questionable fashion choices, frequent public drunkeness, and botched plastic surgeries.

It's unfortunately been all downhill for Miss Tara Reid since the early 2000s when she and comedian Carson Daly called it quits. Since then, the man killer has been linked to such notoriously good boyfriends as the tremendously endowed Tommy Lee, jail bait porn pusher Joe Francis, casino king George Maloof, and Bridget Moynahan's love e'm and leave 'em baby daddy Tom Brady.

Anyhoo, Miss Tara Reid, purchased her 10th floor aerie back in 2000 for just $266,500. Although the apartment has only 1 bedroom, property records and listing information reveal that there are two bathrooms up in this crib. Which is a good thing because if Tara backs one of them up with a bowl full of upchuck, she's got a back up receptacle for when the devil's punch just won't stay down.

The listing for the condo, which is being marketed by her real estate agent brother, currently only provides one photo of the interior. And as the children might imagine, Your Mama is not impressed with Miss Tara Reid interior design skills. All various printed and patterned fabrics thrown together in one room is enough to make a person's head spin and stomach churn even without a few Grey Goose screwdrivers and several Jagermeister shots.

Tara hunny, does this mean you're leaving Los Angeles? Where are you going dear? Please tell Your Mama that you're not headed for tempting and salacious Las Vegas. We know you love to party there, but child, think about it...Las Vegas could be your total ruination. Seriously gurl. Or are you simply trying to parlay your investment into larger digs? Or could it be that you're out of money entirely and need to dump your mortgage? Call us, fill Your Mama in because believe it or not, the world wants to know.

The Hollywood Versailles is no stranger to budding Hollywood types and Ugly Betty actor Michael Urie recently ponied up $749,000 for a 1,222 square foot unit just down the hall from tawdry Tara's visually vexing condominium. And good for him. Looks like he made a wise investment in a declining market because we expect that Mister Urie's new digs have increased in value just by Miss Tara Reid even thinking about packing up her baby doll dresses and shot glass collection.

Source: LA Condo Lifestyles (photos)