Saturday, March 31, 2007

Spears and Federline Chop Price Of Malee-boo Manse

SELLER: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
LOCATION: 3200 Retreat Court, Malibu
PRICE: $11,999,999 (reduced from $13,500,000)
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms

Over the last few months Your Mama has typed our fingers to the nubs writing about this poor gurl and her real estate shenanigans. And here we go again.

Now that Brit Brit is out of rehab and the dee-vorce deets have been mostly finalized, this chaotic couple have gotten serious about selling off their marital house of horrors up in Malee-boo's Serra Retreat.

Reports say Federline is due half the proceeds from the sale of this house, so you know the white rapper called up listing agent Kimberley Pfeiffer at Coldwell Banker and told her to "sell the damn house lickety split 'cause yo yo yo needs a new pair of sneakers and a trip to Vegas." No babies, the white rapper didn't actually say that, but we like to think he said something along those lines.

One of our Malee-boo real estate snitches told us he thinks the property is a very difficult sell because of all the taint surrounding it. Looks like he might be right from the humongous price chop late this week. The couple first priced their former love shack at $13,500,00 and have now slashed the priced by $1,500,000 and one dollar to $11,999,999.

Still no photos of the interior of the house, which Your Mama is told has a country-fied shabby chic sort of thing going on. We have also heard that Brit Brit has her wedding dress mounted and standing up in the corner of her bedroom, which we find strange and upsetting.

As we mentioned in our post earlier today, it appears that Brit Brit has taken the Bev Hills house that she purchased in December of 2006 off the market. We don't imagine the peripatetic, addled and bald Brit Brit intends to keep the house up in The Summit, but she does need someplace to stash the children until she buys something else. Clearly she's happy to shack up in a hotel, on some stranger's floor in Burbank, or in the back seat of her Mercedes. But the children and their army of nannies need a place to chill, change diapers, and potty train.

We keep hearing rumors about her moving back to Louisiana or even back to New York. But somehow we find that unlikely. If Your Mama was placing bets, we'd say odds are she's staying in LA or moving to some other club heavy location like Miami or Las Vegas.

Seriously Your Mama hopes the princess of Promises learned something during her time up in the hills of Malee-boo drying out. We could care less if she makes another record, we're not a fan. But we don't want to see the gurl go down like this and sincerely hope she gets her act together for herself and those innocent babies.

We also would like some peace in our lives and wish she would just buy a damn house and settle down for a few years.

Source: Coldwell Banker (pictures)

The Atelier Courts Celebrity Tenants

BUILDING: The Atelier
LOCATION: 635 West 42nd Street, New York City

The other day we repeated the krazy rumors about krazy Lindsay Lohan shopping around for a Manhattan pied a terre. It was reported The Lohan might be purchasing a wee pad at The Atelier on West 42nd Street. Then Braden Keil, celebrity real estate columnist extraordinaire at the NY Post alerted Page Six to the real deal. Apparently the "ack-tress" has been offered usage of a condominium furnished with semi-groovy mid-century modern furniture as away of boosting the profile of the monstrous 478-unit Costas Kondylis building.

The building developers have used other celebs such as the gor-gee-us and once bankrupt model Maggie Rizer and tennis star James Blake in previous advertising campaigns as a way of appealing to Manhattan upwardly mobile who have a wicked desire to live amongst the truly rich and famous. Dang, they don't have to move to that building they can move to Your Mama's building were we got folks like Debbie Harry and Katherine Helmond.

Your Mama would bet our bitches Linda and Beverly that The Lohan spends less than one night at the The Atelier, and is more likely to lend it out to pals for late night trysts.

Apparently, the building is also courting Orlando Bloom.

Good grief. Your Mama has a hard time getting excited about all this. Somebody let us know when one of these celebrity people plunk down some of their own money for a place to crash in the Big Apple.

Source: B. Jones, NY Post, Just Jared

UPDATE: ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson

SELLER: Brian Wilson
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,495,000
SIZE: 9,353 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms

Children, we first posted about the sale of Brian Wilson's mansion located up in Mulholland Estates a couple of weeks ago, and you can read that post here. As many of our regular readers surely recall, there were no interior photos available when we first posted about this property. Yesterday we secured a few and want to share them with y'all.

Now babies, we don't want to add any fuel to Mister Wilson's fire or in any way cause him any kind of unnecessary mental anguish, but we are absolutely mortified by the interior of this house. Based on the exterior, we really did think we were going to find something nice.

Seriously hunnies, we are so overwhelmed by the extraordinary banality and strange sheen of countrified opulence that Your Mama is speechless. No doubt every piece of furniture in that place cost as much as a small Mazda, but Your Mama's aesthetic is so far from what we see here we can't imagine anyone paying good money for something as crazy as that coffee table in the master bedroom. And even though we know we're looking at a photograph, Your Mama keeps expecting Gloria Swanson to come dripping down that staircase looking for her close-up.

Because we don't want to be seen as a hater who gets off talking nasty about a music icon, Your Mama feels it's important we say something nice about this house. So here we go...Your Mama loves that simple, rectangular swimming pool and we appreciate the fantastic view. Although we would not want to ruin the experience by stepping inside the house, Your Mama can imagine spending an pleasant afternoon paddling in the pool and having the house boy serve us a nicoise salad poolside as we soak up some sunshine.

An interesting thing about this Mulholland Estates area that we've never discussed is that the uber-luxe and gated development technically sits in Sherman Oaks and not in Beverly Hills. Apparently the developers lobbied hard and pulled some strings to get this development incorporated into the Bev Hills Post Office, or at least for the privilege of marketing the community as being located in Bev Hills. None the less, many of the property records for houses up in this neck of the woods, still show a Sherman Oaks location. This proves that in real estate location is everything.

Holly Robinson Peete Sitting Pretty in The Summit

SELLER: Holly Robinson Peete and Rodney Peete
LOCATION: Crest Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 7,234 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sensational contemporary in The Summit. Gated up a driveway, huge motor cour, stone entry, LRW/ 18' ceilings, FR doors to yard/pool. New media room w/ built in wet bar, Frm DR, Huge kitchen w FR area, Master w/ FP, Lrg master bath w/ 2 lrg walk-in closets, 4 add'l bdrms w/ upstairs playroom/md's, 3-car garage. This is a loving family home in every way!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, you may have first read about this property a few weeks ago over at the sensational Big Time Listings site where, as usual, Mr. Big Time did an excellent job of telling you all about the real estate dealings of football player Rodney and ack-tress Holly. But Your Mama wanted to bring you a wee bit more information and a few photographs because when the house first came up for sale and Mr. Big Time posted about the property, the listing agent, venerable Valerie Fitzgerald at Coldwell Banker, did not put up any photographs for the looky-loos like us.

As all the children probably know, this house is located up in The Summit, one of the exclusive guard gated Bev Hills communities. That's right babies, this is the very same community Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale recently purchased a home for $13,250,000 and also where that troubled and bald gurl Britney Spears has house on the market for $7,495,000, furnished.

Or had a house on the market. The listing has been pulled from the the mls and the listing agent's website, so either the house has quietly been sold or it's been quietly taken off the market while Brit Brit gets her act together. The post-Promises pop tart still has her Malee-boo marital house of horrors on the market and in accordance with their dee-vorce settlement, the white rapper will get half the profits from the sale of that house. Lawhd children, we are dying to get you some photos of this house. We have heard Brit Brit has her wedding dress mounted and standing up in the corner of the bedroom. Hunnies, that creeps Your Mama out like a basket of snakes. Imagine trying to get your game on with a headless bride standing in the corner. Please. No.

Anyhoo, back to the Peete people. The records Your Mama pulled show the couple purchased this house in 1993 for $1,310,000, which means they stand to make close to $5,000,000 smackers on this investment. The house, located just inside the gates of The Summit and hanging over noisy Mulholland Drive, includes a nice long and hedged driveway.

The exterior of the house looks brutal and on par with Ed McMahon's formerly moldy mansion, which is directly across the road. However, in our humble opinion, Your Mama thinks the Peetes have done a much better job on the interiors than the McMahons. We particularly appreciate the huge living room with it's high ceilings and pale celery walls which are complimented by a couple of burnt orange chairs. The art niches are a nice touch and great spot to display a huge collection of Hummel statuettes and figurines. The ladders seem unnecessary and, at least in the photographs, make it look like the painters are taking a smoke break.

Your Mama is going to take issue with that grand piano. Sure, it's lovely, impressive, and expensive. But does anyone tickle those ivories? If not, it's just a useless piece of furniture meant to impress guests. If the lil' Peetes take lessons on the thing, we'll, we eat our words.

We have no major beef with the kitchen. Besides the strange and swooping soffits, it's a pretty standard issue luxury kitchen. Nice, but nothing to write about.

The pool and spa area looks lovely, but we are not fond of potted geraniums. Sure, they're hardy enough to withstand a nuclear holocaust, but they also have a stink on them we can't stand. What concerns Your Mama most about this pool area is the dust and pollution that surely floats up from Mulholland Drive which sits just beyond and below the wall.

No word on where the Peetes are headed once this house sells, but if we hear, we'll be sure to let you know and of course, if you hear, be sure to tell Your Mama.

Sources: Big Time Listings, Coldwell Banker

Friday, March 30, 2007

Ellen and Portia Are Flipping Out in Montecito

Seller: Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi
LOCATION: Ashley Road, Montecito, CA
PRICE: $24,000,000
SIZE: 4+ acres, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hi babies. We received a call this morning from Mugsy Fairweather, one of Your Mama's favorite snitches, to tip us off to this sale. Turns out lesbian power couple Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi have put their swanky Montecito weekend house back on the market after purchasing the house less than one year ago for a reported price of $15,750,000. Like all celebrities with a lot of money and a knack for real estate, the couple stands to make millions on flipping this property which is just a hop, skip and a jump from Oprah's $50,000,000 extravaganza.

When Your Mama first started this little blog we briefly discussed this house and here we are just a short time later discussing the sale.

Ellen is one of the most prolific celebrity buyers and sellers of high end property. Your Mama can barely keep track of all the houses she owns, what she's buying, selling and in which place(s) she and blondie are living.

As busy as talented Ellen is with her bland but enormously popular television talk show, moonlighting as the emcee of the Academy Awards, and the myriad other projects in which she's involved, it's a miracle this lady has the time and energy to buy, renovate, and sell properties at such a dizzying pace. Perhaps this is what blondie is doing now that her wickedly funny sitcom Arrested Development was unfairly jettisoned. We love all the real estate hoopla these two create, but we'd rather see this gal back on the boob tube acting her teeny fanny off.

Because life is funny and we love wacky six degree of separation situations, Your Mama would like the children to know that we once sold Miss Portia Di Rossi an expensive shell chandelier back before she and Ellen were Sapphically coupled.

Who knows where Ellen will be buying and selling next now that she's sold off her Santa Barbara house as well as her Santa Ynez ranch which she had on the market late last year for $11,900,000.

As far as Your Mama knows the real estate obsessed couple are still residing in their Hollywood Hills compound, but we suppose we ought to be watching those places to see if the ladies are liquidating all their holdings.

And for the record...bravo to the ladies if they can get anywhere near their asking price. We have no doubt they'll use the profits to buy another spectacular estate they'll own for a few months before selling on.

Daniele Gaither's Mad House of Faux Finishes

SELLER: Daniele Gaither
LOCATION: Oak Glen Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,099,000
SIZE: 2,138 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Romance and History define this 1926 Tudor originally built for silent film star Harry Langdon. Custom details abound with hardwood floors, tiled fireplace, curved arches, and high ceilings. Formal Living Room, Dining Room, and Den with 3 Bedrooms up and 2.5 Baths. Great indoor/outdoor flow, with Swimmers Spa, backyard and huge terraced decks. Kitchen has been remodeled. Very livable now, but could benefit greatly from some needed attention. Sold as is.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case the children don't know, Daniele Gaither is one of the very funny ladies that used to appear on the Mad TV, the only sketch comedy show Your Mama will ever watch (sorry SNL, we think some of you people are enormously funny as individuals, but unfortunately the program is just not that funny most of the time).

Now, Your Mama is quite sure these hard working funny people at Mad TV don't make nearly as much money as they should, so we would like to applaud Miz Gaither for taking some of her hard earned cash and making an effort at a sound real estate investment. However, property records would indicate Funny Lady is not going to be walking away with much more than she's put in. Miz Gaither purchased this house in July of 2005 for an undisclosed purchase price, but she did take a mortgage that would indicate she paid just under $1,000,000 for the house. So really, unfortunately, it would appear Miz Gaither is going to be lucky to break even on this property.

The first thing we would like to note is the relative absence of furniture and accessories in this house. Your Mama is not sure if this is because Miz Gaither didn't bother to furnish this house or if it's because she has already begun to move to a new residence. We hope it's the latter, because honestly, the house is a little depressing in it's lack of personal effects and decor.

Okay children, let's begin with the downstairs which Your Mama thinks has a decently resolved layout. The high ceilings and quasi baronial fireplace in the living room give the house a pleasantly modest grandeur and we absolutely appreciate the the French doors to the backyard. But all the children must know we have very serious issues with that faux painting treatment. If someone wants to throw up some Venetian plaster or glaze the walls, we can support that. But hunnies, Your Mama recommends that you just say "NO" to those horrible sponge painting treatments that low end decorators foisted upon the masses in the early 1990s.

The well sized dining room also suffers from a dreadful and perplexing faux finish situation. This finish manages to be even more upsetting than the holy mess we saw in the living room. The spotted, mottled brown color looks like the inside of someone in-test-ines before they've had a proper high colonic. We know that's nasty Miz Gaither, and all due respect, but that paint finish has us reaching for the vomit bag.

On to the kitchen. We like the Viking range and the slate flooring. We appreciate the large pantry area and the access to the backyard which makes grilling easier. But here again we have yet another disturbing faux finish paint treatment on the back wall. Lawhd hunny, who told you all that faux finishing was a good idea? Please let us know because Your Mama would like to meet that person in a dark alley and give them a serious beat down.

Upstairs in the girlee pink master bedroom at the front of the house we are thankfully spared a faux finish treatment. The room has a lovely amount of closet space but the bathroom is so small it's for skinny bitches only. We might consider busting through that walk in closet to make a bathroom wide enough for our thick thighs and Volkswagan Passat sized backside.

The bedroom at the back of the house, which Gaither appears to use as an office, has a great wall of French doors to a back deck and the upper level of the backyard. We are even liking the dark walls. But the ceiling fan looks like the cheapest one available at the Home Despot and really should be replaced with something more dignified.

The terraced backyard, with it's easy maintenance slate patio and rejuvenating swim spa makes this backyard appealing. Very little maintenance will be required here by one of the team of Mexican gardeners everyone in Los Angles hires to maintain their yards...just a little sweeping of the slate and watering of the potted plants.

Clearly Miz Gaither has a penchant for animal skin rugs. We're not sure why or what that says about her psychologically, but we are positive a psychiatrist would want to discuss these rugs with Miz Gaither for months.

There does not appear to be a driveway with this property, and overall, that could be the biggest problem we have. The wretched paint job can be fixed and the kitchen and baths can be replaced. But without off-street parking for our small fleet of BMWs, Your Mama simply could not consider purchasing this house.

We sincerely hope Miz Gaither is able to sell this house at a profit and we sincerely hope that she uses some of that profit to hire a nice gay decorator to come up in her new house to steer her away from any more rag treated, faux finished walls.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Everybody Loves Phil Rosenthal

SELLER: Phil and Monica Rosenthal
LOCATION: Hudson Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,950,000
SIZE: 8,533 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1936 Mediterranean Villa in Hancock Park. Dramatic center hall w/wood inlay floors. State of the art screening system in step down living room with fireplace. Formal dining room. Office with multiple built-ins and marble fireplace. Family room contains a wet bar and several large-scale built-ins. Basement wine cellar. Kitchen features a 6 range Viking stove, Subzero fridge, breakfast area and counter top bar. Master suite includes full sized dressing room and 2 marble baths. Multiple bonus rooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama got a call from our old drinking buddy Veronica Lake. Lawhd children, the stories we could tell about the time Your Mama got way-layed in an Okahoma City drinking establishment with that gurl. Suffice to say law enforcement and a pair of slingbacks were involved. Anyhoo, Veronica tells me some bigwig television producer is selling his house in Hancock Park. Veronica claims she's been up in this house, but, you know, Veronica sometimes lies when she's drunk. So we went and checked it out ourselves. Sure enough, a man name Phil Rosenthal is selling his Hancock Park mansion.

If y'all will stop yer hollering and settle down, Your Mama will tell you who Phil Rosenthal is. This man has made a mountain of money as the one of the creators, writers and producers of the wildly successful sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Previous to that show, he had a long run producing that deeply disturbing sitcom Coach. Remember that one with the old drunk guy? Sorry Mister Rosenthal, but your Coach show gave us the heebie-jeebies.

However, many moons ago the reruns of this Raymond show was one of Your Mama's television guilty pleasures. The show was funny. It was children. And the cast was superb. Then we started reading about this Patricia Heaton and her crazy conservative notions and we admit we started turning the channel. The lady is entitled to her opinions. And Your Mama is free to change the channel so we can be spared the disjointed confusion and internal upset of being made to laugh out loud by a very funny right winger.

So we were relieved to discover, through our completely legal snooping, that Mister Rosenthal donated $2,000 to the John Kerry campaign in 2004 and the Raymond show was not the hive of conservatism we feared.

Moving on to the real estate...Located in an exclusive section of Hancock Park, the house is adjacent the Wilshire Country Club. Fortunately it does not border the golf course. Your Mama is not sure why anyone would want to live in a house backed up to a golf course where a bunch of rich white men in tacky clothes can watch you sun yourself nekkid in the backyard. Please, no. Your Mama prefers more privacy when Juanita comes over to give us a poolside mani-pedi and Rocco comes by to give us one of his shiatsu miracle rubs in the cabana.

Now children, go ahead and click on the photos above so that you can see them larger and then check out the media room. What's shown up on the screen? Yes babies, that's the rude, crude, and hi-larious Borat wearing some sort of over the shoulder slingshot bikini bathing suit. Your Mama is not sure if it's the homeowner or the Sotheby's listing agent that engineered that, but whomever did it, we would like to thank you and congratulate you for that bit of humorous subversiveness.

One thing that does concern Your Mama is the lack of electronic gates on this property. No doubt the house is equipped with a state of the art security system sophisticated enough to shove a shiv up in an intruder all by itself, but we always feel safer behind electronic gates and/or an army of doormen. And for this amount of money, we wouldn't go without that feature.

Clearly this couple has had a team of nice gay decorators into the house to create an ambiance of warm and glowing sophistication that retains the relaxed comfort of a home meant to be lived in. Ack. The place looks great. The decor is not our taste. It's all a little tra-dish-a-nawl for us, but we really can't argue with what we're seeing. Except for that table in the corner of the bedroom. Your Mama loathes occasional tables in general and specifically we loathe occasional tables draped in floor length table cloths that look like sheets. It just looks to us like someone ran out of money or patience and decided that corner was not important enough for an actual piece of furniture.

We do however appreciate the French doors opening to the elegant Juliet balcony and we think the exterior articulation is really quite lovely. Grand, yet understated. The exterior of this house has nothing to prove and we appreciate that quality.

Now, Your Mama has a very bizzy day ahead. We have lots more properties for you, but we may not be back until tomorrow. So sit tight babies and be sure to come back and see Your Mama soon.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Is The Lohan Moving to Manhattan?

Oh children, Your Mama does not know if we have the energy and nerve strength to handle the swirling rumors about The Lohan plunking down a chunk of change on a Manhattan pied a terre.

The behemoth, and often accurate gossip website TMZ is reporting that beleagured party princess and one-time ack-tress has purchased an apartment with a mid-century modern design (see photo above).

Well, after a little investigation, Your Mama has to say we're a wee bit skeptical. We immediately rang up our pal Coco Chanel in Los Angeles who often knows what's going down with The Lohan. Coco says she doesn't know whether it's true or not true, but to be trés careful not to believe everything you read about this femme.

Secondly, we've identified the building in the photos and children, Your Mama is quite certain this is The Atelier, one of those humongous and unfortunate Costas Kondylis tragedies on 42nd Street. Do we really think The Security Conscious Lohan is moving into a well appointed, but ugly ass building at the far west end of 42nd Street with nearly 500 small one and two bedroom apartments? On 42nd Street? Seriously?

And third, this bitch cain't stand her father who has just been released from prison. We find it dificult to believe she's going to put herself in his line of born again Christian fire.

Could be true. But Your Mama will not be holding our breath until someone comes up with some cold hard evidence. Remember all that TomKat silliness about them buying in the Dakota? Turns out they bought a place in Los Angeles, not New York. Ack!

Your Mama is headed out immediately to stock up on big bottles of Milk of Magnesia to keep our stomach calm through what promises to be a storm of rumor and guessing. Bye now.

Source: TMZ, Pacific Coast News (photo)

K.W.I.D. / Kelly Wearstler Interior Design

SELLER: Kelly Wearstler
LOCATION: 317 N. Kings Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 1,676 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to purchase internationally renowned and published designer's personal retreat. Charming front yard gated and hedged for total privacy. No expense spared with the finest surfaces and finishes throughout. Creative use of space with endless possibilities. Professionals home office perfect for live/work.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, the folks over at Curbed LA and the funny man at The Gilded Moose talked about this house last week, but Your Mama can not resist working this one through our own grist mill. This property has been for sale for a very long time, and despite the big reputation and hawtness of Kelly Wearstler, no one seems to want to buy the poor thing.

Most of you will probably know her name from being on judge on the Bravo TV show Top Design. Not only is this a great show because of all the bitchy shenanigans that go down between the lackluster contestants, the primary reason Your Mama tunes in to this program is to see what sort of crazy get up and hair-don't Miz Kelly Wearstler will be sporting from week to week.

Did the children note a couple weeks ago when she had all the crimped hair sticking up all over like she'd fried herself in an eck-lectric socket? What about that outfit with the mauve evening gown on top of a t-shirt and grey jeans. What made her do that? We applaud her exuberance for fashion and her creative combinations, but she might want to step back and look in the mirror before she gets in front of the camera. And who in the wold is doing that hair? Is that the work of Jonathan Antin?

The first thing we would like the children to know about this house is that it is no longer the home of Miz Wearstler. It's her office and headquarters of the "internationally renowned" K.W.I.D. (Kelly Wearstler Interior Design). At one time Missy probably did live here since she purchased the place back when she was a single gal in 1999. Ladies and gay gents, she paid $369,000 for this house. Which means if she gets near her asking price, she's going to pocket a million clams. That should tell you something about the real estate market in Los Angeles in the last four or five years.

For the record, Miz Wearstler and her extensive wardrobe now live up in Bev Hills on N. Hillcrest in a much more impressive 7,028 square foot house. This would be just a few doors down from Jennifer Anniston's new place. She lives in the gated and dee-luxe modern monster with her huzband Brad Korzen, the very successful CEO of the Kor Group, a real estate and resort development operation. Miz Wearstler has made a lot of money working for her man having done the design work for the Viceroy Hotels (Santa Monica and Palm Springs), Maison 140 and Avalon, both in Bev Hills, just to name a few. Your Mama is never one to shout down a little nepotism or keeping it in the family, so good for these two being able to work and make oodles of money together.

Anyhoo, back to the K.W.I.D offices just north of Melrose. Let's begin with the hedge. We like it. But then again Your Mama likes a tended garden, if you know what we're saying. We also appreciate the extreme privacy the hedge affords. We may not be famous, but we do not want or need the neighbors poking their heads over the front fence asking me and the Dr. Cooter to borrow some sugar or take in their mail while they go on some cockamamie vacation we do not want to hear about when they return. Better to just block those neighbor bitches out.

The front landscaping we appreciate for its easy maintenance. The stepping first we did not like them, but upon further consideration, we find them whimsical and unexpected. So we'd leave 'em.

Your Mama is guessing, but we think that red room is Miz Wearstler's inner sanctum. We're sorry gurl, but this room is ugly. You're a talented designer and Your Mama appreciates your eclectic and glammy style, but this room is a mess. We are also not fond of the pickled paneling in the stair hall.

We're in agreement with our pal at The Gilded Moose in regards to the kitchen. It's refreshing to see a kitchen that has not been over-worked and over-done like Miz Wearstler's hair. We do note the luxe Carrara marble counters and think they serve as a nice balance to the vintage drainboard. Although it's really rather cliche anymore, we also appreciate that Miz Wearstler has removed the overhead cabinet doors. Opening and closing those things is just a waste of time and energy. Who needs a work out getting a pretty green glass out of the cabinet for our mid-morning Bloody Mary?

And what's with all the orchids? Why do design and decor people always think having orchids around is so cool? It's not. It's an old played out idea that Your Mama would like to see go away. Someone please put a cactus or a damn creeping charlie up in the house.

Here's what Your Mama has to say about the bathroom: You can dress it up with shiny mirrors, funky wallpaper, and a chandelier, but it's still the room where Miz Wearstler lifts her dress up and takes a crap.

We're sure that Miz Wearstler is busting out the seams of this house now that she is a world famous decorator. So somebody, please buy this place so the gurl can move into a space more befitting of her international status.

Sources: The Gilded Moose, Curbed LA

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Jonathan Antin's Bird Street Blow Out

SELLER: Jonathan Antin
LOCATION Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,699,000
SIZE: 1,423 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mid-century jewel on one of the premier bird streets. 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms, nice master with city views. Sexy pool w/ cabana and wood decks. Oakwood floors throughout the house, very private with security entrance. Move in condition with great potential. Carport optional.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: You know this one is going to go over big with all the gurls at the beauty parlor. Foneesha, the gal who works the hair washing station at Your Mama's salon, would kill her baby-daddy, sell her six children, and drive her Pontiac di-rect to Hollywood if hair honcho and reality television star Jonathan Antin would so much as give her one sexy look.

Most ladies and homosexual gentlemen will remember sizzling sexy Mister Antin and his big ego working the Warren Beatty from Shampoo thang on his reality show Blow Out on the Bravo TV. And our older, house-bound readers in their holiday themed sweaters will recognize him from hawking his somewhat pricey wares on the QVC. Or maybe you've seen his MySpace page/personal advertisement?

As a wee man growing up in L.A., Mister Antin dreamed of cutting hair. So he dropped out of Beverly Hills High School and had his mama enroll him at the Fairfax Beauty Academy. It was not long before he was hair styling for fashion shows, celebutards, real celebrities, and opening the successful Jonathan Antin Salon in West Hollywood.

Before the seemingly gay, but defiantly straight Antin became a reality television star or a pretty talking head on the QVC, he was just a hairdresser. Albeit a well paid hairdresser to Hollywood glitterati such as Madonna, Kirsten Dunst, Ricky Martin, and Tobey McGuire. His motto: "Celebrity hair without the drama." Your Mama understands that you gotta have a gimmick, but please. Jonathan hunny, we've seen your reality show and it's clear you know a little something about drama. You may not, but Your Mama remembers the cat fight with the bottle designer and all the tears in the therapist's office.

Because he'd been around the celebrity block in L.A., Antin knew the value of the bird streets long before the bird streets were the Bird Streets. You know what we're saying? So back in May of 1998 Mister Antin took some of his hairdressing tips and gratuities and purchased this house for $545,000. Smart move. The man stands to make an impressive $1,000,000 when he sells this house.

For all the children who don't know the hills of Hollywood like the back of your hand, some of these homes up in there can be rather difficult to find and require navigating all sorts of splits in the road, harrowing hairpin turns, and very, very narrow streets. Hunnies, the hills can be dangerous to drive because even with all the hazzardous conditions, people fly up and down these roads in their shiny automobiles like they're driving in the Monaco Grandprix. So Your Mama appreciates that this house is located just off Doheny, which makes for a much safer ride home from a late night at Teddy's.

The listing agent at the venerable Westside Estate Agency hasn't provided very many photos of the property, so we can only assume the interior has had a sexy makeover to resemble Mister Antin's sexy impression of himself. Although we are a bit skeptical based on the one photo of the interior we have. Sure, he's got some pedigreed furniture like the Eames lounger and the Jacobsen Egg chair. But we're a little concerned about the television being mounted up at the ceiling like that. It's too reminiscent of a hospital and Your Mama does not need to be reminded of having our gall bladder removed every time we turn on the boob-tube to watch that mortifying Wife Swap program.

Also, that large, bong like contraption just outside the sliders on the deck worries us. What in the devil is that? Whatever it is, it does not look legal and Your Mama suggests the real estate agent hide that thing in the trunk of his car when prospective buyers come over.

We are appreciating that the architect squeezed in a nice swimming pool in a rather small yard. The decking surround is a nice, somewhat low maintenance option that fits with the updated 1960s Hollywood Hills vibe. And of course, Your Mama always appreciates a "cabana," although in this case it's really more of a lean-to.

Couple things we noted: We can't be sure why the listing has the property as both a two and a three bedroom. Also, property records shows the house has two bathrooms, and the listing shows 2.75. Something else we found interesting is that property records also show that this house does not have a central air conditioning system. Maybe that's not a big deal to the children, but Your Mama prefers some central A/C during the dog days of a Los Angeles summer.

Now that Mister Antin is a daddy, he surely wants more square footage and a larger backyard. One large enough for the nanny to push baby Ashford on a fancy swing set. So undoubtedly that's why he's selling this house. We wish Mister Antin and his family a sweet bon voyage and congratulate him on his savvy and lucrative real estate investment.

Sources: Westside Estate Agency, QVC, Bravo, MySpace

Monday, March 26, 2007

Cheech Marin, Malee-boo Mogul

SELLER: Richard (Cheech) and Patti Marin
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 3,400 square feet (est.), 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful craftsman-style home on ocean-side of Pacific Coast Highway. Hardwood floors, granite counter tops, large master suite, 3 fireplaces, custom woodwork, spacious country kitchen. Upstairs master with fireplace, ocean view, spa tub, steam shower and balcony. Family/media room, large ocean view living room with fireplace. Spacious landscaped yard, manicured park-like grounds. Access to fabulous sandy beach. Adjacent vacant lot available for sale at $1,695,000.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Babies, do you remember Cheech and Chong and their pot smoking crazy ways? These two irreverent and satirical comedians became American film icons as they toked their way through eight movies and millions of dollars in profits. The two went their separate ways more than ten years ago, and Mister Cheech has branched out into directions you might be surprised about. Children, this man has a resume a mile long and he's far more bizzy than you might imagine.

Not only has Mister Cheech continued to be seen in dozens of television and film roles, he's recorded a couple of children's records, lent his voice to some huge animated film productions such as The Lion King, and strangely has a line of food products that bear his name and visage.

Perhaps most surprising , Mister Cheech is a widely respected art collector who reportedly owns the largest private Chicano art collection. Pretty impressive for a stoner.

Back in the mid-1990s Mister Cheech and his wifey started buying up contiguous parcels in Malee-boo. According to property records, they first bought an oceanfront lot with a small house. The house has since been renovated into a considerably larger house. At the same time the couple bought the ocean front lot, they purchased the lot directly behind which also has a large, 4,000+ square foot house. Presumably the couple resides in the ocean front house.

A couple of years later in 1998 the couple bought three additional and contiguous lots. Two were and remain vacant, the third includes the house which is being offered for sale. Altogether, the Marin's have five lots with three houses on the same stretch of beach as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie whose modern ocean front home is just 5 or 600 yards up the PCH. Again, pretty impressive for a man who made his fortune sucking on a bong.

Your Mama has no idea why Mister Cheech and wifey have chosen to sell off part of their Malibu compound. But what is clear, is they are selling the two least desirable parcels. Both parcels front noisy Pacific Coast Highway.

We also have no way of knowing whether the Marins used this house or if they rented it out as income property. Perhaps they housed their staff here? Maybe they housed the art collection here? Maybe it was used as a guest house?

As for our take on the house and property? Well, the listing agent at Pritchett-Rapf didn't provide very many photos, so we'll have to make due with the few we have. Your Mama is not a fan of the bastardized Tudor or the location on right on the highway. We're also not digging that kitchen with the low ceiling which would surely make us clausterphobic while whipping up the macaroni and cheese. On the plus side, the kitchen does appear to be large and reasonably well appointed with nice counter tops and double dishwahers. The view from the yard is really quite lover-lee. That alone is worth quite a bit of money. And the listing does say the property comes with access to a beach which is also worth quite a bit of money.

We don't know hardly any shit about this one babies, so if anyone out there in Malee-boo would like to clue the children in, be sure to contact Your Mama.

Sources: Pritchett-Rapf & Associates, Chicano Art Life

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Gwen and Gavin Up In Summit Circle

BUYER: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
LOCATION: Crest Place, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $13,250,000 (sale)
SIZE: 9,001 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since all the children seemed to enjoy seeing the photos of the Los Feliz house this rock and roll couple is selling, we thought we would bring you a few photos of their new house up in the Beverly Hills. For those of you that this is old news, just chill out and relax and we'll bring you something new tomorrow.

Ev-er-ee body, please pay attention here...these photos do NOT show the house decorated as the couple currently lives in it...these photos were taken when the previous owner still owned the property. Although that owner bought the house fully furnished, we can only hope what we see in the photos is a reflection of the house being poorly staged and that no one actually lived up in this place looking like a damn W Hotel.

Surely everyone remembers that this is the house that Jennifer Lopez once owned. In fact she married that skeletal skinny singer up in the backyard of this house. This new man/huzband Marc Anthony then took her back east to live in a suburban Long Island mansion he previously lived in with his ex-wife Dayanara Torrez. Which we think is a little tacky, but no body asked us about that.

Note: Your Mama recognizes we might not have the name of the ex-wife correct. Your Mama can not be bothered to go find out this morning. And honestly, we don't care what her name is, no offense to the lady.

Anyhoo, in 2004, Miz Lopez sold this home and all it's furniture to young and rich Sam Nazarian, a film producer and night club owner, for $12,500,000. He only lived here for a short time before putting it back on the market for a staggering $15,500,000.

Stefani and Rossdale stepped in and purchased the home in August of 2006 for a reported $13,250,000. The house is a far cry from their cozy, livable, and personal Spanish mansion in Los Feliz. We can only hope Stefani has gotten a nice gay decorator up in there to transform the place from looking like a hotel lobby and into a home.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, Dream Homes Magazine, Big Time Listings

A Few Updates

Hi babies. Your Mama is just here to give you a few updates on houses we've been discussing in the past.

1. Avril Lavigne has reduced the price of her Mulholland Estates property by $700,000 to $6,200,000. Guess she's getting eager to sell.

2. Sharon Stone's flip in Beverly Hills has apparently gone to contract. The last asking price was $12,500,000.

3. Leeza Gibbon's house, which we had reported went to contract, is back on the market, the sale never have gone through. It remains on the market at $7,995,000.

4. Loni Anderson's house appears to have been taken off the market...again. The property still appears on the listing agent's website, but not on the mls.

5. Fawn Hall has reduced the priced of her home in the Bird Streets from $2,470,000 to $2,100,000.

6. Jon Bon Jovi has reportedly gone to contract on a $26,500,000 penthouse duplex in Soho. This according to Braden Keil at the NY Post who also tells us Bon Jovi's super expensive and bo-ring Upper West Side rental has also been leased for just under its $30,000 a month asking price.

7. American Idol judge Randy Jackson has reduced his Tarzana house from $3,199,000 to the rather unusual asking price of $2,999,876.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Annie Duke Folds in Outpost Estates

SELLER: Annie Duke
LOCATION: Outpost Circle, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,000,000
SIZE: 3,528 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1928 Spanish by architect Marshall Wilkinson located in Outpost Estates, the premier Hollywood Hills location. Modern comforts w/tons of original character & details such as wrought iron railings, Spanish tile, hardwood flrs, exposed beam ceilings & iron light 4 bedrm & 4 ba rm, large guest house with own bathroom. Views of Hollywood Hills. Large backyard with waterfalls & fountains.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama does not gamble. No siree bob. We like our money too much to give it away to some asshole in a mortifying Tommy Bahama shirt because we're not holding the right damn card. So we did not know who Annie Duke was until we called our friend Rock Hudson out in Las Vegas who clued Your Mama in. Turns out Rock loves to gamble and he was full of all sorts of information about Annie Duke.

We bet most people think professional poker players and gamblers are a shady and ignorant group of people. Let's face it people, gambling is an ugly and low class sport. And children, do not be sending Your Mama nasty little emails about how gambling is fun, Las Vegas is great and baccarat is the sport of kings. Ack! We do not want to hear it.

But Ms. Duke flips our notion of a professional gambler right on it's head. Not only does she come from a family of academics, she has a stellar education herself. Bitch not only graduated from the prestigious St. Paul's prep school in New Hampshire, she earned herself a double major in English and Psychology at Columbia University. We should all be impressed, because this lady is smarter than most of us.

And she's got an uncanny knack for card playing. Turns out this single mother of four has made millions holding, folding, bluffing, and betting at poker tables all over the world. But unfortunately for the Duchess of Poker, she is going to be losing out on the sale of her Los Angeles house.

See, Duke only purchased the property in July of 2005 and she paid $2,850,000. So even if she sells if for full price at $3,000,000, once she pays the realtor fees and capital gains, she's going to be in the hole a couple hundred grand.

The house, located up in Outpost Estates and not far from the house Jason Priestley has on the market for significantly less money, is a lovely example of the California Spanish style. While Your Mama would have trouble navigating all the stairs at this house, overall we really don't have much negativity about Duke's poker palace.

Straight aways we were inclined to appreciate this house because of the eclectic and personal style of the interior. We are quite sure Ms. Duke did not have a nice gay decorator come up in here and work some fag magic, but that's okay by us in this instance because she has been able to create a homey and comfortable environment anyway. The entrance hall could use a little jazzing up, but we think the living room is di-voon with it's high beamed ceiling and putty colored walls. We dig the pair of identical sofas, which acts as an effective counter-balance to the overall pleasing haphazard-ness of the room.

We appreciate that Ms. Duke has her children's artwork displayed on the walls. Your Mama is not partial to small children. We mostly find them to be loud and quarrelsome money pits until they get to be about 24 years old. None the less we do like to see mommies and daddies who encourage their babies to make art and show their appreciation by hanging their children's work on the walls.

There's little in the kitchen we would change. We like the simple white cabinetry with the dark wood floors and simple black counter-tops. We are impressed no one installed some of that horribly ubiquitous flecked granite shit up in here. We appreciate the wide window above the sink for daydreaming the troubles away while scrubbing the pots and pans. The lady-Bosch dishwasher was also a good choice.

The backyard climbs up the side of the hill and provides many charming and hidden nooks and crannies for smoking pot where the children cain't see you. Of course, we always love a secondary building in the backyard. We're not sure what this one is used for, but we imagine it could be a great place to stash the in-laws and other less than desirable guests.

From our wee bit of online research and our conversation with Rock, we understand Ms. Duke has relocated (or is soon to relocate) to Portland, Oregon. This move has something to do with her gig consulting with Ultimate Bet, an online gambling concern.

Nobody asked us, of course, but Your Mama is concerned Ms. Duke may have over-paid for her house and may have a difficult time selling her house at it's current asking price. The location is certainly good, and the house is magnificent. However, Your Mama wouldn't dream of paying upwards of 3,000,000 smackers for a house without a backyard swimming pool. We really do wish her all the best with getting a good price for this house.

Your Mama would also like to thank our friendly tatler friend Tammy Faye Baker, who gave us the lead on this property. Turns out Tammy Faye likes to play the poker too and she was up in this house recently getting her pocketbook emptied by Duke.

Sources: Annie Duke Online, Poker Player Profiles, Coldwell Banker, Everett Fenton Gidley

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lloyd Blankfein Selling Sagaponack House

SELLER: Lloyd and Laura Blankfein
LOCATION: Parsonage Lane, Sagaponack, NY
PRICE: $13,995,000
SIZE: 2.65 acres, 6,561 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Brand new to the market this stunning traditional sits on almost 3 acres abutting reserve with every amenity, including spacious Master with fireplace, porch and sitting room, large gourmet EIK with professional appliances, cherry cabinets, wood panelled library, screened in porch and finished basement with media room, gym, and covered porches. Built by one of the east ends top building companies and landscape design by famous Edmund Hollander makes the most incredible summer/year round retreat. Large house, gunite heated pool , pool house and sunken tennis court completes the package just a couple block from ocean beaches.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday afternoon Your Mama received a call from Marlene Dietrich, one of our friends deep inside the financial world, who was breathless with excitement to tell us that Lloyd Blankfein put his Sagaponack mansion on the market for nearly $14,000,000.

Now, all the children will recognize Mister Blankfein's name as the CEO of Goldman Sachs that raked in $53,000,000 in earnings last year and has recently been on a real estate shopping spree. First he paid $27,000,000 for a gargantuan apartment on the Upper West Side.

Then he went shopping for a new summer house in the Hamptons where he has recently gone to contract to purchase the tremendous Southampton estate "Old Trees" for the dizzying sum of $41,000,000. Lawhd babies, Your Mama has to sit down just to consider that much money. Please keep in mind, this 20,000 square foot, 13 bedroom shingled "cottage" on 10.6 acres will likely only be used weekends for 3-5 months of the year.

So now that the purchase of "Old Trees" is going to go through**, Mister Blankfein and his missy Laura have put their Parsonage Lane house on the market. As of this morning, the listing agents at Corcoran, uber agent Susan Brietenbach and her sonny boy Matthew, have only provided a couple crappy photos. But when they get up something nice of the interior, we'll be sure to holler at the children.

The couple purchased the lot on Parsonage Lane in 1995 and built the house in 2001. It may have nearly 7,000 square feet and a pool and sunken tennis court, but it's a pretty run of the mill house in the Hamptons. But it is in easy breezy quasi rural Sagaponack, which has the distinction of being one of the most expensive zip codes in the country. The property also happens to be very near one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooters' favorite beaches in the Hamptons, a little used stretch of sand not far from Ira Rennert's freakishly large and obscene 100,000 square foot ocean front summer house called "Fair Field" with it's 29 bedrooms, 39 bathrooms and 91 foot long dining room. Please, that's just unnecessary.

Anyhoo, we can't comment much on Mister Blankfein's Sagaponack set up until we see more photos. So Ms. Breitenbach, be sure to give us a shout when you get that virtual tour up.

**As it turns out Mister and Missus Blankfein backed out of buying Old Trees, which was later bought by property mad hedge hog John Paulson.

Sources: NY Post,, Corcoran

Howard Stern Hamptons Update

Today in Braden Keil's column Gimme Shelter in the NY Post, we learn all the gory details of Big Hair's Hamptons rental that we discussed here.

Turns out that Big Hair and soon to be wifey are paying an unprecedented $1,000,000 to rent the big Norman Jaffe house out on Meadow Lane with an option to rent for the following year.

Lawhd children, imagine all the children in Amurica that could be fed, sheltered, and provided healthcare for a million bucks.

Mister Keil was kind enough to reference Your Mama and our little blog in his column today and we are deeply appreciative and flattered.

Sally Hershberger, Hairstyling Honcho

SELLER: Sally Hershberger
LOCATION: Carla Ridge, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,500,000
SIZE: 3,645 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sprawling modern w/ spectacular city and ocean views from all public and private rooms. Great scale w/ floor to ceiling walls of glass. Terrazzo floor floor throughout and to the poo/outdoor bar area. Gallery walls, perfect for the art collector. Generous master-suite w/ fireplace and incredible master bath w/ indoor/outdoor shower exposed to rear garden, lily pond and meditation area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day the Ben Casselman at the Wall Street Journal wrote about this property in his Private Properties column. We thought we would follow up with a few dramatic photos and additional information about rock and roll hair cutter Miss Hershberger and her mini real estate empire.

Do the children know that Miss Hershberger is one of the highest paid hair cutters in all of the land? Well, she is. This gal will charge upwards of $800 just to cut your hair. That is if you can get an appointment and then find her unmarked second floor salon in the Meatpacking District of New York. She also works out of the John Frieda Salon on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, which quite frankly, is easier to find.

If you do manage to find yourself up in her chair, do not expect any tender, love and care from this gal. She is not interested in listening to you whine about your job, your huzband, or anything else for that matter. In fact she's not that interested in talking to you at all while she's giving your hair the Edward Scissorhands. When she steps up to the chair to cut your hair she'll bring two attractive and exuberantly and meticulously coiffed male assistants (no girls, too much drama, thank you), and in between snips and slivers she'll look at herself in the mirror and purse her lips and primp own hair. She's not about to look bad while making someone else look good.

People flock to Miss Hershberger to have their hair cut into her signature cut...the Hershberger Shag a la Meg Ryan, who is a long time client. She herself sports a short shagged out hair do of the variety she's famous for. Other celebrity clients include that freaky Tom Cruise, scary skinny Calista Flockhart, duck-billed Michelle Pfeiffer, shoplifter Winona Ryder, and funny lady Sandra Bernhard to name just a few.

Hershberger has owned several properties around Los Angeles over the years, but her most recent purchase in January, 2004 was this house on Carla Ridge up in Trousdale Estates for which she paid $2,400,000. Casselman's article stated that the hairstyling guru spent the last few years renovating the place and has put it on the market while she negotiates for the purchase of another home in the area.

The house is currently priced at $6,500,000 which is a bewildering profit of $4,100,000 in just three short years. No doubt she put considerable money into the place, but still, Your Mama thinks this sounds a wee bit greedy.

The house does look fantastic though. We are loving all the terrazzo flooring which are perfect for keeping the house cool during the blistering summer days. We're even digging that great big painting of horses in the dining area which strangely sort of turns us on. But we are disappointed the listing agent at Worldwide, Inc. did not provide more and better photographs.

When in New York, Hershberger beds down in a gor-gee-us and expensive pre-war Bing and Bing penthouse apartment in a West Village. The penthouse, for which she paid $1,850,000 in June of 2001 is the second apartment she has owned in the building, having sold her 9th floor unit just before purchasing the penthouse.

Weekends are for the Hamptons, of course, where Hershberger heads out to her itty bitty uber-private waterfront cottage in The Springs, a less fancy, but up and coming area of swankified East Hampton.

You may not know who this pin thin somewhat androgynous lady with the big ego is, but you will soon enough. Like everyone else, this gurl has jumped on the reality television train and will shortly be seen as the lead judge on the Bravo's upcoming show Shear Genius. Hunnies, you know that show is going to the ugly side of some bitchy hairdressers. Lawhd, we cain't wait to see that.

Sources: New York Magazine

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The House Moesha Bought

SELLER: Ralph and Melba Farquhar
LOCATION: Zorada Drive, Los Angeles CA
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 3,221 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent modern with panoramic view. Soaring ceilings, stone floors, and walls of glass open to sparkling pool, spa, lawn and patio with fire it, built-in BBQ all overlooking the canyon and city. Gourmet kitchen with limestone counters and top appliances, family/media room and maids. Upstairs are four en suites, gym and stunning office. Fantastic, ultra-hip master with private deck. Long gated drive, paddle tennis court, guest house, sauna, steam room, five fireplaces. Gorgeous. Flawless

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We received a nice comment from a Mister Kasser clarifying that the car in the driveway is in fact a XLR or some such thing and NOT a CTS. Well, we appreciate the setting straight. But we still think that's a bogus car to drive and Cadillac should stick to making cars that are more than 20 feet long and seat 8 and 10 people. Just Your Mama's opinion.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No babies, this is not the home of Brandy, so if that's what you're looking for, we're sorry to disapernt you. We just thought that was a catchy headline. Anyhoo...

The first thing Your Mama noticed when we came across this property was that gold colored Cadillac CTS in the driveway. Your Mama just hates those cars. We think if you're going to drive a Cadillac, go get yourself a damn Fleetwood like the Dr. Cooter's mama used to drive with it's white leather interior and a gleaming white landeau top. Or maybe an old boxy Seville from the 1980s. Now that was a Cadillac worth driving.

Turns out the car belongs to Ralph and Melba Farquhar, all due respect. You may not recognize those names if you're not in the television bizness. Mr. Farquhar has written and produced such money makers as Married With Children, Moesha, and The Parkers. Your Mama thinks that Parkers show isn't worth the tape it's laid down on, but we love us some Mo'Nique. We're waiting for her to bring back her show F.A.T. Chance where she had all this large ladies parading around in negligees vying for the Miss F.A.T crown. Mystifying, touching, and upsetting all at the same time. That was some excellent T.V.

Interestingly Mr. Farquhar got his start writing for Happy Days, a stint which he says "forced him to become a black man in a world of white industry people." Hunnies, just to clarify, that quote is not from the man himself, but this article.

Miss Melba Farquhar has made a name for herself recently as an interior designer with clients like Nicole Ari Parker and Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker. Her work and talent is clearly seen up in the couple's mod-rin Hollywood Hills mansion.

The second thing Your Mama noticed about this house is that property records show the house at just over 3,000 square feet. But we suspect the records have not been updated recently because this house is surely closer to 5,000 square feet.

The house, accessed up a long drive and tucked behind other houses, sits up on the side of a hill at the top of Nichols Canyon and on the back side of Mount Olympus. Surrounded by a mountain side of scrub lands, the house offers serious privacy. Which of course, Your Mama loves. But, all that scrub land can be a little dangerous if you have cats and small dogs that can be snatched in the night by the wild critters that surely roam the hillside. So buyer beware on that.

Your Mama finds the front of the house bland and even unattractive. But once we get inside, Your Mama is very pleasantly surprised at the elegant dramatics of the layout. Some of the rooms are a wee bit small, but that is made up for by the tremendous floor to ceiling windows that allow long and wide views. And we're feeling all those dark walnut floors for sure.

We could do without the industrial style island in the kitchen which looks a little over-processed, but it's nice that the architect included a big picture window in the there so the maid can look at something nice while she's scrubbing the pots and pans.

The twisty staircase, perfect for a grand entrance by a supreme Hollywood diva like Jesse Metcalfe, brings us to the second level where bedrooms and en suite bathrooms abound. Your Mama does not usually care to soak in a big ol' bathtub. Tubs just make us feel like we're sitting in our own filth. We prefer a scalding hot shower where the dirt runs off our ample body and straight down the drain. However, that big, sexy, frameless curve of glass behind the tub in the master bedroom just might make us reconsider our bathtub ban.

Children, it's the backyard here that really has Your Mama feeling good about this house. Normally we don't appreciate swimming pools with swooping and odd shapes, but this one has us wishing we lived on Zorada Drive. Imagine taking a midnight skinny dip here?

And ev-er-ee one who has ever read anything Your Mama has written knows we are down with outdoor fireplaces and fire pits. The Farquhar fire pit is an perfect example of how to do it correct. We imagine our self laid out on that banquette, the Dr. Cooter rubbing our tired tootsies and our bitches Linda and Beverly curled up next to use.

One thing we are concerned about is the eight terlits. That's right, as usual we are worried about the physical health of the staff. The maid is surely going be suffering from bursitis after scrubbing all them things for a few months. If you buy this house, Your Mama asks that you have enough disposable income to get your maid an assistant to work the terlits.